Downtown Dining: Red Heart Cauldron Brewing Company

(Ahmnom Nahmnom/PD) — Red Heart Cauldron Brewing Company offers up the right brews at the right price. (Ahmnam Nahmnom/PD)

When you walk in, Red Heart appears to be just another cauldron brewery. To the left you have some hand-crafted brooms for comfortable seating. The walls are adorned with bottled souls of past customers and eerie portraits of the owners. Members of the Witch High Society, also known as Alpha Beta Witch Witch, are often found sitting near the window. To the right hang two cauldrons made by local artisans. The first cauldron contains the daily special, while the second contains yesterday’s daily special.

In addition to the cauldron specials, customers have the option to order off the always expanding menu. I ordered the “Hearty Half Caff, Half Calf” ($4.99 + two toes) which was equal parts calf heart and decaffeinated barista soul stirred and heated to 1000 F. I prefer my drinks shaken, not stirred, but for Red Heart I was willing to make an exception. Overall, the smoothness of the drink complimented the warmness felt in what used to be my toes.

My good friend, Claire Voiant, enjoyed a chilled non-fat soy latte ($3.99 + three black cats). She said it was nice but could have used a bit more soy. She even let me try it. And to be honest, it wasn’t that great. Neither is she, now that I mention it. Why did I bring her?

The service was quite phenomenal. Young witches and warlocks, but mostly witches, flew around the sitting area. While your soul may be empty, your cup will always be full to the brim.

Red Heart first popped up on my radar and caught the attention of the community in early September after a photo was posted to their MageBook page with the caption reading “Spending the day flying around with friends at Red Heart!”

The photo showed two presumably soulless customers slumped on their broomsticks with the owner propped up on his broom flashing a thumbs up. Some community members saw this as a sign of disrespect and were up in arms for a couple days. But the rage quickly dissipated after the individuals realized they had more important things to worry about.

What makes Red Heart unique is the faint chill that runs down your spine every time you walk through the door. Embrace this feeling, because it only enhances the bitter taste in the back of your mouth as you swallow your hot expresso.

Red Heart Cauldron does not just sell coffee. They sell a livelihood. Frequent Red Heart customers should consider buying a Witch Pass ($0.00 + first born son and/or daughter) to zoom to the front of the line. Members will also be invited to the city of Phoenix’s annual Witch Hunt, a celebration of witch culture and heritage hosted by Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Guaranteed fun for the whole family.

After your quick coffee break, consider stopping at Circle K for lunch. There could soon be one on every corner.