Phoenix Police Black Magic Enforcement Administration is investigating Circle K following a string of magic-related thefts, leading officials to believe the gas station company is using black magic to squash their competition.

Over the last several weeks, Circle K reported stolen items including newt eyes, scarab beetles, black cat hair, candles, 44 oz. sodas, beef jerky and a severed goat’s head. According to authorities, these items can be used by witches to cast the convenience store “competition spell,” which summons black magic to turn all local retail businesses into Circle Ks.

Some officers — who wished to remain anonymous for fear of repercussions — said Circle K may be using these thefts as a cover for allowing the use of the dangerous materials for illegal spells.

Suzy Peel, Circle K real estate development manager for Arizona, said that Circle K has never cooperated with witches.

“It’s absurd to think that we would fake thefts in order to plausibly deny involvement,” Peel said as she tapped her long fingernails on her skull-shaped coffee mug and patted her black cat. “But if a group of witches were to engage in black magic that would remove all of our competitors, who are we to stop them?”

Carlos Estrada, Circle K loss prevention manager for Arizona and Nevada, said in a robotic monotone that Circle K was doing everything possible to catch the magical thieves, but declined to offer specifics.

“We are doing everything possible to catch the magical thieves,” Estrada said as his eyes glazed over and he continued without blinking. “We are doing everything possible to catch the magical thieves.”

When asked if he was under mind control, Estrada gave a definitive and singular “No.”

Sergeant John Hildegarde of Phoenix’s Black Magic Enforcement Administration said the police first began to suspect Circle K after community members reported seeing Peel talk with several women sporting black robes, pointed hats and long noses in a dark alley.

“Newt eyes and goat’s head are heavily controlled substances,” Hildegarde said. “If Circle K employees or customers were to use them, the city would know in a heartbeat. Steal them and store them in a paranormal dimension and we have a harder time tracking them down.”

Hildegarde also said that purchasing products from a Circle K could potentially put the customer under a spell that would remove the person’s soul and replace it with parasitic corporatism.

“I would warn all downtown residents not to approach Circle K for any reason until this is resolved,” Hildegarde said. “Do not purchase gasoline or fountain drinks under any circumstances.”

Hildegarde said that not every officer in the Phoenix police force was intent on investigating Circle K.

“At the beginning of the investigation I had a lot of support,” Hildegarde said. “But then this nice old woman came by handing out apples and officers started calling in sick the next day. The guys they brought in to replace them don’t believe me.”

Joe Clure, president of the Phoenix Law Enforcement Association and current police officer, said that Hildegarde’s fear was unfounded.

“Circle K has been a proud sponsor of the Phoenix Law Enforcement Association for many years now,” Clure said while sipping from his Circle K soda mug. “The company would never do anything unethical or illegal. And who cares if every store becomes a Circle K? It means I don’t have to walk as far to get my snacks.”

Elizabeth Switch, president of the Downtown Arcane Arts Association, said that she also didn’t see the problem.

“I’ve been campaigning for more black magic in this community my whole life,” Switch said. “If a little civil disobedience on Circle K’s part is what is required to push black magic issues to the forefront of everyone’s mind, then I applaud their efforts. Besides, who wouldn’t sell their soul for 79 cents?”