Police responded to several employee protests outside of 8/12 convenience stores across downtown on Monday in the wake of their successful zoning committee meeting.

Cashiers and CEOs alike flooded the streets of Phoenix, outraged at the lack of community outrage to their stores. 8/12s have opened around downtown without hearings, protests or boycotts.

“I don’t think that any publicity is good publicity, it’s not like that,” 8/12 Southwest Manager Ivan Tattention said. “But it gets lonely sometimes. Nobody pays attention to us. They just buy their sodas and leave.”

The protests are not the first case of 8/12 lashing out for attention. Last month, the Phoenix Police Department issued a warning to an 8/12 store after several false emergency calls were made there.

“Criminals are here all the time,” 8/12 clerk Dan J. Sticks said. “Last week someone jaywalked across the street and came right into the store! Of course I called the police.”

Sticks said that 8/12 stores cause just as much crime as other major convenience store chains. He added that jaywalkers, speeders and people who don’t take the caps off of bottles that they recycle all frequent 8/12 stores.

A police official said they responded to calls for the various semi-crimes and issued warnings to Sticks and the other clerks who called them in. The police had to draw the line when Sticks called in an attempted hold-up at the store. The robber was Sticks.

“Police responded to an emergency call at 11:14 a.m. on Sunday morning,” the police report stated. “Officers found Sticks squirting water into his mouth from a water gun while screaming ‘Give me the reduced-fat hard candies!’”

Sticks did not admit to the crime, although he was seen sucking on a reduced-fat hard candy shortly following the incident. Sticks emphasized that the store was clearly a danger to the surrounding community.

“I mean, I’m not saying that because I like it or anything, it’s just the truth,” Sticks said, later adding that his store’s slushies “are more like smoothie-type things, actually. That’s really outrageous, right?”

Reports from the Garfield District say that Tattention has approached them about their anti-8/12 community meetings. The reports also show that there, in fact, have not been any anti-8/12 community meetings.

“We understand that the community reaction to our expansion has been less than ideal,” Tattention said to an empty conference room. “However, we promise to make things right if you’ll just get up in arms about them.”

Jim Volatile of the Garfield District has been a major organizer of the community’s battle with other corporations. When asked about the possibility of a new 8/12, Volatile did not raise his voice in the slightest.

“Oh, yeah, I guess I’d rather that be something more local-focused,” Volatile said. “I don’t know. I don’t really care that much either way.”

Volatile appeared at the zoning committee meeting, which regarded a potential soda-pop license for 8/12. When given the floor to speak, Volatile asked where the bathroom was. Other community members also appeared at the zoning meeting, but left once a committee member clarified that the meeting was for 8/12.

“Oh, it was that convenience store,” local advocate Dan Dry said. “They’re all right. Not the greatest thing for Garfield but we could do worse.”

Several community members claimed to see Tattention driving around before the meeting in an unmarked minivan. Tattention allegedly offered people $5 to wear T-shirts that read “Enemy of 8/12.”

“I had nothing to do with those well-designed ‘Enemy of 8/12’ shirts,” Tattention said. “It was clearly a clever stab made by the community at my corporation. Well done, community — we’ll get you next time, though!”

Tattention also offered milk and cookies at the nearest local 8/12 store following the zoning meeting. A few Garfield residents came and ate cookies, but no one stayed for pin the tail on the donkey.