All posts by Mike Oxlong

ASU

Chaos reigns in downtown campus after Ryan Boyd leaves USGD

1 Comment

RYANBOYD_post

Ryan Boyd announced his exit from USGD last month, prompting several catastrophic events that have thrown the ASU Downtown Phoenix campus into complete and utter chaos.

On Wednesday, several student organization leaders waiting in line at the Post Office for tables began to shriek like the Puerto Rico-native Coqui Frog. One club president broke off from the rest of the pack and raced off, tearing off a section of the heating tank in the bowels of the Post Office.

“Our club was supposed to table a few days ago, but after Ryan left no one knew who to call, so I took matters into my own hands,” the club leader said.

He then bent the hunk of red hot metal into the shape of a table and placed it in Taylor Mall and began to table, without permission. Following the removal of the metal from the heating tank, flames engulfed the Post Office and the entire building was soon set ablaze.

Boyd said the heat brought on by the explosion would be good preparation for the students who have not yet experienced a true Arizona summer.

“We want to prepare students the best way we can for the nuclear armageddon following the election of Donald Trump, or the heat of the Arizona summer, whichever comes first,” Boyd said.

Several plans that Boyd’s underlings at USGD had pitched but had yet to gain Boyd’s beached seal of approval went into effect following the announcement of his departure.

Among these plans was BOGO, which stands for Buy One Get One M1 Abrams tank free. This new plan makes ASU parking spaces available to all armored vehicles of the U.S. military.

Another fast-passed proposal comes from the School for Criminology and Criminal Justice senators. The new plan will bring criminals direct to the Downtown Phoenix campus so that the criminal justice students can get real-world job experience. The plan, costing around $6 trillion, will result in a 5347 percent increase in tuition for out-of-state students.

“What’s wonderful about this is that this is a realistic situation,” Boyd said. “Inevitably, someone will make a mistake and shoot a criminal, but that’s why we have pre-med students, and then the journalists will get to cover it.”

USGD has also failed to keep up with keeping track of the Downtown Phoenix campus’ budget. A visitor from USG in Tempe arrived to find that instead of measuring fund allocations in dollars and cents, USGD were using spoonfuls of tomato soup from Devil’s Greens.

“And what else? And what else?” one senator was heard muttering inconsolably.

As for Ryan Boyd himself, he could not turn down the full-time paid position of Rabbit Emperor of the World. As rabbit dictat, Boyd will oversee redistributing carrots and making sure that hopping lanes on Third Street are instituted.

“The rabbits are here, the rabbits are coming,” Boyd said. “You thought Bernie had a revolution? You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

Uncategorized

Pentagram K site unleashes spirits and outrage

diablock_post

Community members protested the construction of downtown Phoenix’s ninth Pentagram K on Sunday over concerns that its placement above yet another ancient burial ground would attract a large number of spirits to an area not designed for ghostly traffic.

Pentagram K has been buying up and developing on vacant burial sites for years, but city planners only recently noticed that the company’s strategic placement seems designed to harness the power of the afterlife to bring ghostly customers to its doors and sell otherworldly products.

Danielle Fantum, president of the Spooky Voices Coalition, said it was obvious that Pentagram K is in the final stages of executing a massive summoning ritual.

“Not only would the ritual give Pentagram K an unlimited source of new customers,” Fantum said. “It could open the floodgates to all sorts of unsavory characters. I mean, Genghis Khan could just float in and grab a soda.”

While some said the summoning could benefit every business and the area’s budding ghost-based economy, Fantum said she believes Pentagram K should not represent the gateway to downtown for posthumous visitors.

“Nevermind the potential troublemakers that could be visiting us,” she said. “I’ve seen nothing in Pentagram K’s design plans that indicates they understand the principles of a transparent, floatable downtown.”

Fantum is organizing a community meeting that would bring together ghostly and earth-bound stakeholders in an attempt to open a dialogue with the company about its development plans.

Chris Musspast, city of Phoenix director of community and economic development, said the city is working on developing a “complete skies” initiative, which would include requirements for businesses developing on vacant burial sites and opening portals for the undead to improve floatability.

“Luckily, we won’t have to remove parking spaces, put in giant flower pots or widen sidewalks this time,” Musspast said. “In fact, we don’t even have to have doors in some of these establishments.”

Pentagram K did not return requests for comment. The only response was a mysterious voicemail message left on the reporter’s phone at midnight during a full moon. The message contained a looped track of a cackling chorus.

“The city of the future is open to visitors of all life-stages and improves post-life retention rates,” Musspast said. “We see too many residents who leave downtown Phoenix after death for more floatable cities. This soul-drain is one of the biggest problems we face today.”