Category Archives: Community

Community, News

Circle K under fire for faking thefts, using black magic to overtake competition

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(Photographer/PD)
Theft of objects that can be used for spell casting, like the photographed severed goat’s head, has brought Circle K under the Phoenix Police Black Magic Enforcement Administration’s microscope. (Henrieta Hubble/PD)

Phoenix Police Black Magic Enforcement Administration is investigating Circle K following a string of magic-related thefts, leading officials to believe the gas station company is using black magic to squash their competition.

Over the last several weeks, Circle K reported stolen items including newt eyes, scarab beetles, black cat hair, candles, 44 oz. sodas, beef jerky and a severed goat’s head. According to authorities, these items can be used by witches to cast the convenience store “competition spell,” which summons black magic to turn all local retail businesses into Circle Ks.

Some officers — who wished to remain anonymous for fear of repercussions — said Circle K may be using these thefts as a cover for allowing the use of the dangerous materials for illegal spells.

Suzy Peel, Circle K real estate development manager for Arizona, said that Circle K has never cooperated with witches.

“It’s absurd to think that we would fake thefts in order to plausibly deny involvement,” Peel said as she tapped her long fingernails on her skull-shaped coffee mug and patted her black cat. “But if a group of witches were to engage in black magic that would remove all of our competitors, who are we to stop them?”

Carlos Estrada, Circle K loss prevention manager for Arizona and Nevada, said in a robotic monotone that Circle K was doing everything possible to catch the magical thieves, but declined to offer specifics.

“We are doing everything possible to catch the magical thieves,” Estrada said as his eyes glazed over and he continued without blinking. “We are doing everything possible to catch the magical thieves.”

When asked if he was under mind control, Estrada gave a definitive and singular “No.”

Sergeant John Hildegarde of Phoenix’s Black Magic Enforcement Administration said the police first began to suspect Circle K after community members reported seeing Peel talk with several women sporting black robes, pointed hats and long noses in a dark alley.

“Newt eyes and goat’s head are heavily controlled substances,” Hildegarde said. “If Circle K employees or customers were to use them, the city would know in a heartbeat. Steal them and store them in a paranormal dimension and we have a harder time tracking them down.”

Hildegarde also said that purchasing products from a Circle K could potentially put the customer under a spell that would remove the person’s soul and replace it with parasitic corporatism.

“I would warn all downtown residents not to approach Circle K for any reason until this is resolved,” Hildegarde said. “Do not purchase gasoline or fountain drinks under any circumstances.”

Hildegarde said that not every officer in the Phoenix police force was intent on investigating Circle K.

“At the beginning of the investigation I had a lot of support,” Hildegarde said. “But then this nice old woman came by handing out apples and officers started calling in sick the next day. The guys they brought in to replace them don’t believe me.”

Joe Clure, president of the Phoenix Law Enforcement Association and current police officer, said that Hildegarde’s fear was unfounded.

“Circle K has been a proud sponsor of the Phoenix Law Enforcement Association for many years now,” Clure said while sipping from his Circle K soda mug. “The company would never do anything unethical or illegal. And who cares if every store becomes a Circle K? It means I don’t have to walk as far to get my snacks.”

Elizabeth Switch, president of the Downtown Arcane Arts Association, said that she also didn’t see the problem.

“I’ve been campaigning for more black magic in this community my whole life,” Switch said. “If a little civil disobedience on Circle K’s part is what is required to push black magic issues to the forefront of everyone’s mind, then I applaud their efforts. Besides, who wouldn’t sell their soul for 79 cents?”

Community, News

Local band Blister Rip suspected of magic use

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(Photographer/PD)
Local band Blister Rip has been packing shows lately, attributed by some to their use of magical powers. The band confirmed exclusively to this Phoenix Diablo reporter that they are a small coven. (Morgana le Fay/PD)

Blister Rip has been lighting up local venues recently, enchanting fans into an almost mystic state; however, it has been discovered that there might be another force behind the spellbound audiences — the practice of magic.

At a show Wednesday night, Lawn Gnome Publishing was filled to the brim with people spilling out onto the streets around the building, craving for even a glance at Blister Rip’s set.

And this is just one example of many recent packed shows. As the crowd dispersed — all with a tranced, yet satisfied look on their faces with CDs in hand — curiosity begged for explanation. I seemed to be one of the few who wasn’t glassy-eyed and shuffling home with a big grin on my face.

“What is this? Why is this happening?”

The band stopped packing up and looked at me, smiling. There has been speculation for weeks about the band using “alternative measures” to draw crowds to their shows, but they had yet to confirm this to anyone. The band confirmed that they are, indeed, a small coven; only not traditionally so.

No one has ever seen Blister Rip arriving to a show. In fact, several attendees at different shows that were interviewed cannot recall the beginning of any of the gigs.

“This is the eighth Blister Rip show I’ve been to,” Fizzy Liftingdrink said. “To be honest, I can’t remember much but the beautiful vibes that went through that crowd and the harmonies that are still ringing in my ears. I hear they’re playing again tomorrow.”

The reason for the memory loss is a spell placed on the audience before the show to make them forget Blister Rip’s arrival, the band said. The eerie smoke emitted from the stage is not just a fog machine. The band actually flies in to their shows.

“We don’t fly on brooms, though,” lead singer and coven leader Ellis Lengthyshins said. “We fly in on guitars. Brooms are so 1999.”

The group’s dark attire at each performance has consisted of black and more black, clad in Dumbledore-esque clothing. The style seemed to only provide an emphasis to the ominously jazzy tone of the music. It does, of course, have a different purpose.

“Our magic is so strong that it is almost blinding,” bassist Joan Brewhaha said. “So we wear dark colors to counteract the shine.”

According to the group, the band also casts a love spell each time they play, which becomes more intense after each song.

The shine is not from the reflection of the light, but rather from the bright bursts of sorcery that arise from the lyrical incantations. Onlookers become mystified and addicted, the band says. One additional benefit is, for the first time ever at a concert, each person is able to clap along with the beat.

“We use it for our own musical benefit and focus it all on making sexy tunes,” drummer Pants McGee said. “Sometimes to make the best music you have to bare your soul, and what better way than to put it out there to enchant the people around you? It’s like a love potion but better.”

The band described their brew, both in terms of spells and musical sound, to be two parts rock, one part blues, one part soul, the spirit of jazz, eye of newt and powdered dragon claw.

Although using questionable methods, the band’s music and soul enthralls local audiences, and they assure that the spells cause no harm other than occasional coughing fits and healthy addiction.

“It might seem as if we are doing wrong,” Lengthyshins said. “But it’s not a choice. Our magic just kind of comes out. It’s a natural part of who we are, and when our music takes us over, we can’t concentrate on keeping it in.”