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Embattled city councilman Nowakowski resigns, hired by Chick-fil-A

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District 7 Michael Nowakowski resigned his position on the Phoenix City Council on Thursday to accept a post as a fry cook at the recently opened Chick-fil-A location on ASU’s downtown campus.

Nowakowski, who, in an unrelated statement, emphatically reiterated his longstanding support for the LGBT community, said he was excited to begin a new chapter in his career with a company that shares his values. He said he had been considering a job switch for a few months, but needed to wait for the right opportunity.

“Everything I’ve been working toward has led to this moment,” Nowakowski said, with tears of joy streaming down his cheeks. “It’ll be an honor to be the person who makes the waffle fries, instead of just the guy voraciously consuming them.”

Nowakowski said his vote to approve the Chick-fil-A’s permits was not influenced by his spot on the board of the Phoenix Chicken Sandwich association, a nonprofit organization that advocates for succulent bird-based meals and the group partnering with ASU to bring the eatery downtown.

District 6 Councilman Sal DiCiccio applauded Nowakowski’s move, remarking that the city had lost sight of its traditional values of eating mouthwatering nuggets six days a week.

“I’m excited to have a business downtown that understands the importance of traditional chicken,” DiCiccio said. “It warms my heart to know that Michael sees that value as well. In downtown, traditional chicken has been under assault for too long. Eating chicken with doughnuts or waffles… is simply unnatural.”

Nowakowski said his new employer is proud to be part of the downtown Phoenix community, and that all customers are welcome, as long as they pray for at least five minutes before eating and loudly proclaim their assigned sex before entering the correct restroom.

“It’s so great to see so much enthusiasm for this Chick-fil-A,” Nowakowski said. “For a while, I thought this chain was my little secret. I discovered it in 2011 and, for years, it seemed like I was the only one who ever ate there.”

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Investigation shows that Mayor Stanton was a ghost the whole time

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An analysis of archival footage from Greg Stanton’s various public appearances and press events suggests that the mayor of Phoenix has been a ghost all along.

A collaboration between the Phoenix Diablo and the Paranormal Center for Investigative Reporting looked at 107 minutes of footage to reach this conclusion.

“Everything looks pretty normal the first time you watch it,” said Joel Otmens, executive director of PCIR. “But if you watch it again knowing that Stanton’s a ghost you’ll notice that nobody ever looks at him or talks directly to him, stuff like that. It’s actually really well done.”

Other key clues uncovered include red jellyfish symbols appearing whenever Stanton connected with the living world and Stanton’s opponents’ inability to actually respond to him during debates in the 2011 and 2015 elections.

It’s currently unclear how Stanton’s ghostliness will impact his second term in office or urban development policies. The revelations have made some, like downtown advocate Steve Stevoski, doubtful of the mayor’s accomplishments so far.

“I mean, that explains some of the successes with homeless veterans,” he said. “I knew the government couldn’t actually get that done. Ghosts make much more sense.”

Stevoski also expressed concerns that Stanton’s upcoming policies would promote the ghostification of Phoenix.

“I just don’t want to see all of these living art studios and small buildings replaced by lifeless ghost apartment complexes.”

At time of publishing, it is unclear if ghosts actually live in apartment complexes.

Stanton supported the Ghost Property Lease Excise Tax (GPLET) program, which is deemed responsible for drawing a number of major ghost businesses to the downtown area.

The mayor’s office declined to speak with Phoenix Diablo’s staff medium.

UPDATE: Ghost-Mayor Stanton has released a statement:

“…”

UPDATE 2: Our staff medium has read the statement:

“I can assure you all that I am not a ghost,” the statement read.

Now that the news has broken, some Phoenix voters claim to have known that Stanton was a ghost all along.

“It was pretty obvious,” said self-identified politics buff and commentator Will Moodymoontz.

“Anybody who was paying attention should have figured it out,” he added, entirely unable to elaborate on why or how he knew.

Stay tuned for more collaboration between the Diablo and PCIR, including an investigation into the claim that luxury developers can be repelled using glasses of water.

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Spirit of SoRo raises a racket at site of new luxury apartment

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Phoenix Ghostbusters has received several reports of paranormal activity in the area of the now-demolished buildings south of Roosevelt formerly known as “SoRo,” according to a spokesman.

Reports include alleged sounds of creaking and doors slamming coming from seemingly nowhere as well as incidents of vandalism at the new luxury apartments set to open on the property.

SoRo included businesses ranging from art galleries to print shops.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if the lots are haunted by the ghosts of the demolished businesses,” said paranormal activity expert Cordell D. Munn. “If someone demolished me to make room for some unnecessary luxury apartments, I’d have beef with them too.”

Residents have recently complained to Phoenix City Council’s Paranormal Activity Commission about the sounds of the alleged ghosts wailing.

“I can hardly sleep with all the noise at night,” said resident Peter Perspiration. “This is worse than when the FAA changed flight paths.”

Although the disturbances caused by the ghosts have prompted complaints from some residents, not everyone is opposed to the ghosts’ fixtures being heard.

Downtown Phoenix activist Gregory Oyle is leading the effort to allow the ghosts to make whatever noise they want, citing the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom of speech.

“I’ve lived in downtown Phoenix for more than 50 years,” Oyle said in a Facebook comment on a Phoenix Diablo photo. “When I arrived, the population was less than 100,000. And I believe every single person or building, living or dead, in Phoenix deserves to have their voice heard.”

Oyle did not return calls for further comment.

Carisse Parsons, a Phoenix First Amendment attorney, said the constitutional right to freedom of speech does not necessarily apply to beings that are no longer alive.

“There isn’t much legal precedent to this, but I can say that constitutional rights are usually reserved for living human beings,” Parsons said. “The Constitution starts with ‘We the People,’ not ‘We the Ghosts.’ Also, buildings have literally never been given First Amendment protection.”

Oyle is pushing for the ghosts of SoRo to be appointed to the board of Downtown Phoenix Voices and the paranormal activity commission, arguing that dead or alive, they have the right to be considered downtown Phoenix residents.

Opponents say Oyle is being ridiculous and that ghosts of dead people do not even get appointed to commissions, so ghosts of demolished buildings shouldn’t either.

“If we let the ghost of every downtown demolished building or closed business join the commission, it would just be made up of ghosts,” Perspiration said.

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Pentagram K site unleashes spirits and outrage

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Community members protested the construction of downtown Phoenix’s ninth Pentagram K on Sunday over concerns that its placement above yet another ancient burial ground would attract a large number of spirits to an area not designed for ghostly traffic.

Pentagram K has been buying up and developing on vacant burial sites for years, but city planners only recently noticed that the company’s strategic placement seems designed to harness the power of the afterlife to bring ghostly customers to its doors and sell otherworldly products.

Danielle Fantum, president of the Spooky Voices Coalition, said it was obvious that Pentagram K is in the final stages of executing a massive summoning ritual.

“Not only would the ritual give Pentagram K an unlimited source of new customers,” Fantum said. “It could open the floodgates to all sorts of unsavory characters. I mean, Genghis Khan could just float in and grab a soda.”

While some said the summoning could benefit every business and the area’s budding ghost-based economy, Fantum said she believes Pentagram K should not represent the gateway to downtown for posthumous visitors.

“Nevermind the potential troublemakers that could be visiting us,” she said. “I’ve seen nothing in Pentagram K’s design plans that indicates they understand the principles of a transparent, floatable downtown.”

Fantum is organizing a community meeting that would bring together ghostly and earth-bound stakeholders in an attempt to open a dialogue with the company about its development plans.

Chris Musspast, city of Phoenix director of community and economic development, said the city is working on developing a “complete skies” initiative, which would include requirements for businesses developing on vacant burial sites and opening portals for the undead to improve floatability.

“Luckily, we won’t have to remove parking spaces, put in giant flower pots or widen sidewalks this time,” Musspast said. “In fact, we don’t even have to have doors in some of these establishments.”

Pentagram K did not return requests for comment. The only response was a mysterious voicemail message left on the reporter’s phone at midnight during a full moon. The message contained a looped track of a cackling chorus.

“The city of the future is open to visitors of all life-stages and improves post-life retention rates,” Musspast said. “We see too many residents who leave downtown Phoenix after death for more floatable cities. This soul-drain is one of the biggest problems we face today.”

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Ghosts of Hotel San Carlos set out on strike for phantom rights

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If you were hoping for a haunted Halloween at the historic Hotel San Carlos in downtown Phoenix, your plans may have come a little early. The hotel’s ghosts went on strike Thursday night, citing frustrations with tourists walking through their incorporeal bodies and the smells of food they cannot eat emanating from ground-level restaurant Rice Paper.

Leone Jensen, the leader of the strike and a key ghost figure at the hotel, said pay is “not a concern” due to the ghosts’ lack of physical manifestation and need for material objects.

“Honestly, if they could just try a little harder to pitch us as creepy once in a while, I’d probably be happy,” Jensen said. “But it’s a thankless existence. How many nights have I stood looking forlorn at the foot of someone’s bed and had them not even wake up?”

The group’s demands included reinstatement of the ghost tours and occasional mentions as guests are checked in and out at reception. Casper the Friendly Ghost also made a brief appearance as a celebrity endorsement of the strike.

The phantoms have gathered outside the hotel at the intersection of Monroe Street and Central Avenue to protest their mistreatment by hotel staff and guests. However, due to the absence of physical form, they cannot build or hold signs, requiring them to send their message with ethereal shouts and howls.

“We understand some people see it as a crude way of protesting,” Jensen said. “You try living eternally without a body, then you can come back and talk to me.”

Downtown Phoenix resident Ben Schee said he could hear the ghosts’ wails from CityScape two blocks away, though he wasn’t sure what the noise was.

“Oh, that’s ghosts?” Schee said. “I just thought I was hearing one of those experimental bands at Valley Bar playing really loud.”

Robert Melikian, manager of the day-to-day operations of the hotel, said he wasn’t concerned about the angry mob of spirits outside the San Carlos doors.

“It’s close to Halloween, you know,” he said. “We shut down the ghost tours a while ago, but this kind of publicity coming at this time is more of a blessing than a curse.”

The ghosts often surface with complaints, he said, and usually calm down once they’ve been given a chance to terrify a guest. While nothing has previously happened on the scale of a strike, Melikian is confident that given time and a few good scares of passersby, the spirits will be satiated.

“The thing you have to understand about ghosts is that they basically only have one thing they can do, and that’s moan and scare people,” he said. “Give them time, they’ll come around.”

Jensen disagreed.

“The most frustrating thing is that they don’t treat us like whole, complete humans,” she said. “I mean, technically—physically—we’re not, sure. But we still have complex needs and wants and personalities.”

Witnesses to Thursday night’s protests had mixed responses. Handel Windsorshutlet, who is staying in the hotel, said he was confused about the purpose of the strike.

“Is this some kind of performance art?” Windsorshutlet asked. “I’m sorry, is this — are these computer generations?”

Windsorshutlet tried waving a hand through Jensen’s side. When she turned to stare at him with dead, hollow eyes, he grinned and continued into the hotel lobby.

While Jensen found reactions troubling at first, she said that once people came to understand the nature of the protest, the strike would ultimately be successful.

“The hotel will need to meet our terms. I am sure business will be driven away by our presence out here,” she said. “And if not, we can always just moan louder so the guests can’t sleep.”

“It’s not like we have anything else to do, anyway,” she added bitterly.

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Phoenix nightlife a perfect fit for the deceased

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The Headless Horsemen Committee is heading a movement with downtown Phoenix businesses to bring nightlife to the ghost community.

The movement acts as a door to an opportunity ghosts can glide through, said Galvin Ghasp, president of the Arizona chapter of the Headless Horsemen Committee.

“We thought people were making jokes about Phoenix becoming a ‘ghost town’ after dark, but we finally took advantage of it,” Ghasp said. “It’s a perfect fit for those who feel a little socially awkward around the living.”

The committee holds monthly meetings to discuss new changes in the ghost community.

“We had one on Wednesday to discuss cultural appropriation in regard to trick-or-treating,” Ghasp said. “The living throw a white sheet over their heads and suddenly they’ve become a ghost. Do they know what we’ve been through? We died to get where we are.”

Ghasp, who died after falling from a construction site in 1971, said he’s seen many changes in Phoenix throughout the century.

“Honestly, I feel Phoenix has become more progressive for ghosts in the past couple of decades,” Ghasp said. “We used to be such homebodies. We never left the cemetery or the place where we died. Now we can go out and have a good time.”

Ghasp said the ghost community is taking baby steps toward social life.

“We generally stay in during First Fridays because the living are just too blunt,” he said. “Most of us stick around because of our sensitive natures, you know, moaning and wailing about insults from decades ago.”

The living have not learned proper decorum around ghosts, Ghasp said.

“You say, ‘Hi, how are you?’ and they respond by screaming. It’s just insensitive,” he said. “What are they? A wailing banshee?”

Live business owners are starting to reap the benefits of the ghostly, late-night clientele, said Billy Muman, owner of Good Spirits Eatery.

“I never believed in ghosts when I was younger,” Muman said. “But I was closing the restaurant one night when an ethereal creature floated toward me. I was terrified until he asked if we did karaoke. I realized I had a new client base to work with.”

Muman learned to cultivate to the clients’ needs.

“One of the more popular songs to play at karaoke is ‘Ghost Town’ by Adam Lambert,” he said. “I played ‘Monster Mash’ once and they were all very offended. They’re very touchy. Well, I mean, technically, you can’t touch them because it would go right through. Can I start over?”

Recently deceased Harper Heckle prefers to haunt other late-night businesses.

“As a new ghost, I’m loving the late-night businesses that are welcoming us in,” Heckle said. “Jobot has been great with letting me hang out under the floorboards. I was a hipster, or whatever, so I feel like it suits me better.”

The nightlife as a ghost has never made Heckle feel more alive, she said.

“Personally, I thought Phoenix was dead at night when I was one of the living,” Heckle said. “I couldn’t have been closer to the truth.”

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Op-ed: Downtown needs more mainstream spooky skeleton representation

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Last week, I was floating along Roosevelt Street with my spooky skeleton daughter when she stopped in front of La Paz Cantina.

She was staring at Paz’s murals, which depict spooky skeletons laughing, playing music, blowing kisses at each other and doing other normal, day-to-day spooky skeleton activities.

“Look, ma,” she said. “They look just like me!”

My hypothetical heart stopped right there. Tear vapor clouded my eye sockets.

“Yeah,” I told her. “Yeah, they do.”

At that moment, I realized that mainstream portrayal of spooky skeletons has been isolating and limiting my spooky skeleton daughter.

With Halloween just a day away, the commodification of spooky skeleton culture has reached its annual peak. People hang spooky skeletons from their balconies on wires, plant plastic spooky skeleton hands in their yard as if we’re rising up from the ground — even put their children in spooky skeleton outfits as if they can choose to “dress up” in our culture whenever they please.

Disgusting.

I don’t want my spooky skeleton daughter growing up in a world where her culture is only represented on Halloween. I don’t want her to believe her life is a commodity that those with flesh can choose to celebrate or disparage at will.

We have the same hopes and dreams as anyone else. We have sternums, femurs and skulls, like anyone else. Spooky skeleton culture is rich and vibrant, from our little dances to how we strum our ribs like xylophones.

As a spooky skeleton mother, I realize it is on me to make my haunting laugh heard on the midnight wind. That is why I have set up a GoFundMe campaign for the implementation of more positive spooky skeleton representation in downtown Phoenix.

Contributions to the campaign will go to the commissioning of local, spooky skeleton artists to reactivate barren walls in the central corridor with art that invites — not excludes — spooky skeletons everywhere. Made by spooky skeletons, for spooky skeletons — and everyone!

Together, we can create a future where our spooky skeleton children won’t be surprised to see their lifestyles represented in mainstream media. One where they have a strong sense of affirmation and spooky self-identity. If we work to include everyone, we can make all cultures feel welcome downtown.

Diablo contributor Junie B. Bones is a mother, xylophonist and community advocate.

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Diablo Dining: Notes from our after-death dining critic

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“But doesn’t it just pass right through you?”

No question has haunted my career more than that one.

Hi. I’m Ahmnam Nahmnom, professional after-death dining critic. Just as troubled human souls live on here on Earth, so do those of restaurants whose lives ended in a bit of a dramatic flavor.

In the living world, I was an aspiring dining critic when I died, tragically, while I was out doing what I loved—eating and reviewing a new restaurant. The end came when a piece of (undercooked and underseasoned, with no real flavor profile to speak of) chicken breast lodged in my throat.

I was devastated that my career—and my life—was cut short. You can only imagine my delight when I saw my first spectral eatery. Sure, Scratch French Café was a little more see-through than I remembered, the pastries even lighter. But it was all there. I knew I could fight on for my dream job in the afterlife!

Surprised by all this? Yeah, bet you never thought to ask spirits about the after-death dining scene. It’s fine — no, really. Just keep it up with the “What’s your name?” and “How’d you die?” questions on your little Ouija board.

No, I’m not bitter. Why would you say that? Ugh. Let’s just get on with it.

Bonjour Vietnam

Think that icy, goosebumps-inducing chill you feel whenever you accidentally pass too close to a ghost is rough? Try feeling that cold inside all the time. Hands down the worst part of being a tormented soul doomed to walk the earth. That’s why I was so giddy to see the astral lights inside Bonjour Vietnam start flickering on our side of the void.

With all flavors more dull in the afterlife, Pho is great way to warm up and still taste some spice. A large Dead Biet ($10) pho, full of sliced ghost steak, tripe, tendons and other beefy bites is a standout. Orders of the Cackling Chien Don ($9.5), tempura soft shell spiders, and Cackling Thuz ($9.5), shrieking tuna, spring rolls will freshen up your meal.

Bonjour Vietnam was orderly but warm in life, and it’s become even starker in death. Ghosts can’t perceive the passage of time, but sitting at the bar certainly makes it feel like I’m in a modern time (maybe).

The COD? The restaurant owed nearly $5,000 in rent and passed on, quickly filled in by a second location of its sister restaurant Rice Paper. Ah, I know what it’s like to be so easily replaced, ol’ B.V.

Squash Blossom

This restaurant was a tortured soul while it was alive. Squash Blossom rebranded and promoted like a fame-hungry 20-something looking for their big break. Since the end finally came for Squash Blossom, it’s become a gentler soul in death.

Yes, ghosts do brunch. We’ve already established that ghosts eat. Anyone that goes out to eat can’t resist going out to brunch. And when we do, Squash Blossom’s $10 Spookday brunch buffet is a great deal (for your information, after-death unemployment is on the rise at 8.9 percent). On any other day of the week, I’d recommend the jack-o’-lantern pancakes ($6). Fall is equally trendy among spirits.

The Local

The good do die young. The Local had only opened its doors for six months before drawing its final, wizened breath. You’re a bunch of monsters for letting this place go, but I’m not complaining. Finally, a place where ghosts can put on their heels and bow ties. (Yes, ghosts in bow ties look as adorable as you’d think they would. No, you can’t see. You’re not dead.)

After all, isn’t it much more appropriate that a spirit dine on a Roasted Jangling Bone layered with bacon and onion toe jam ($15)? While not as spooky, the Crispy Pig Ear Pad Thai ($9) is a wonderful collision of different cultural flavors. I’d enjoy either with a signature Lambert-Gini ($9), featuring fresh blood, tears and rosemary. Spirits do love spirits.

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Ghost fashionistas get the shock of their (after)lives in downtown Phoenix

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Greta H.S. Timothy was in for a big surprise when she hit up downtown Phoenix for some shopping on a recent trip to the area’s finest vintage shops. She was so shocked, in fact, she cried out.

No one heard it, of course. Timothy is the latest in a new wave of apparitions to hit the downtown Phoenix scene. Populating (and haunting) restaurants, apartment complexes and shops, ghosts like Timothy have been getting quite the scare themselves, thanks to the duds found in some vintage stores.

“Hey, those are my clothes!” Timothy exclaimed.

She pointed out a sequined shift dress found at Antique Sugar Vintage.

“I wore that on a trip to New York in the 1920s,” Timothy said. “Boy, was that wild! Something straight out of ‘The Great Gatsby,’ I’m telling you.”

Timothy expressed discontent at the item’s selling price.

“The tag said $30,” she said. “$30? For that dazzling piece of sparkly, fringed fabric? I rubbed elbows with the rich and famous in that dress! It’s worth at least $100.”

Also on display was Timothy’s engagement ring, a vintage, two-carat diamond going for $20.

“The ring was better than the guy, you know what I’m saying?” Timothy said. “Still, I was a bit shocked to see my treasured clothing and accessories on display. At first I was annoyed, but now I only hope the future wearers of these pieces can do them justice.”

With vintage shops gaining attention and prevalence in the downtown area, ghosts are beginning to wonder if these new, “hip” fashionistas are just following a trend or are actually going to stick to the ghost fashion style.

“With all these young folk picking all my old styles, I need to stay ahead of the trend. Recently I’ve been trending toward a minimalistic approach that features simply a blank white sheet,” said Ella Weems, a resident of Pioneer and Military Memorial Park.

Samuel Inking, who was a passenger on the Titanic, recently found a pair of his sea-salt-washed denim jeans at Black N Blue. When asked about the new pricing of his jeans at $100, Inking was spooked.

“I remember when I bought those things for a nickel. This inflation would give me a heart attack,” Inking said. “I mean, if I had a heart.”

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7 ways Her Secret is Patience restored my faith in humanity at the times I needed it most

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1. hsip8

Public art is an important resource to humanity living in downtown Phoenix! Or so I’ve been told by the urbanists. Her Secret Is Patience is nice, I guess.

2. hsip2

Her Secret is Patience has always reminded me to just hang in there and shine bright while I walk to the Light Rail!

3. hsip1

Her Secret is Patience guided me home when I was lost in the concrete jungle of downtown Phoenix. Safe and sound, I apologized to Her as I looked out the window for ever calling Her the “used condom.”

4. hsip5

I’m at Phoenix Lights, about to get PLURNT to Zeds Dead, when I drop my molly. I fall to the ground, combing through Civic Space’s damp grass. Then, the crowd parts just slightly, and a glimmer of indigo lights bounces off my bag. Her Secret Is Patience has guided me home.

5.hsip7

I don’t remember anything else from that night except for Her Secret Is Patience’s tendrilly embrace. Her net, it’s so soft. Her light, so gentle. I know Zeds Dead is performing, and that Hardwell follows, but I hear none of their beats, not even the drops. Her Secret is Patience sings to me that night. Her Secret is Patience, it turned out, sounds like Phillip Phillips. It wasn’t just the molly talking. Her Secret is Patience is a goddess — MY goddess.

6. hsip6

Her Secret Is Patience, almighty, marks holy ground. People respect each other upon the green grass under her cool indigo light. I’ve seen such acts under kindness under her swirled watch, even from the EDM festival f***bois. Humanity is restored.

7. hsip4

Her Secret Is Patience, blessed be her net, long may she reign and inspire nicknames, cool-toned light of Heaven, is my goddess and savior. She shines light on the dark parts of humanity. May she always watch over me and humanity, even those not yet saved. Amen.