It’s no doubt the arrival of the apocalypse has taken a major toll on humanity and all other living things on Earth. But Hell has also been facing difficulties, as dense cities with plenty of street development and construction block many possibilities to build pits into the burning depths.
Hell’s effort in urban areas to get people into the abyss has been heavily criticized by the national media, exposing major holes in the Devil’s work leading his part of the apocalypse.
But the Devil and his staff have found hope in downtown Phoenix as a prime location to send the less fortunate into the fiery beyond.
That hope, the Devil said at a press conference in Phoenix on Thursday, rests in the area’s vast amount of vacant lots.
“Vacant lots are some of the easiest places to build pits to hell, and in Phoenix we found the jackpot,” the Devil said during his visit to the city.
Since the apocalypse started, construction crews from Hell have been coming downtown to tear down lots and begin pit development. The operations set up fast, construct quickly and move on to the next of many available vacant lots in the area.
“I’m not gonna lie, it’s been tough in some parts of the world to get people down into hell,” said Faust Fieri, spokesperson for the Devil. “New York, Beijing, London, they’re all packed to the brim, and it makes it hard to find vacant land to plunge a hole straight down to Hell. That wasn’t the case at all with Phoenix.”
Once a pit is completed and the lot is activated, Hell updates its online list of Hell-certified places to jump into the netherworld. On its website, Hell has advertised downtown Phoenix as “the place to go in the southwest to meet your doom.”
“I’m happy there’s someone finally doing something with these lots,” said Gittinhaht N. Herre, the owner of a hot-dog stand in front of a pit on Second and McKinley streets. “They’ve been empty for way too long, and it’s nice to see some development.”
Herre said the pits have been a boom for his business, if only for a short time.
“Most people want to have a bite before they go in there. It’s a long trip — no one wants to travel on an empty stomach!” he joked. “Unfortunately, I’ve been spending all those earnings at the casino, so it’s only a matter of time before I visit the pits myself.”
So far, Hell has bought 10 vacant lots to build its pits to the inferno, some of which were formerly city-owned. Five pits have been completed downtown, and two more should be finished by Monday, Fieri said.
The city of Phoenix sold most of them at low rates. There was only one request: that none of the City Hall staff would be sent to Hell.
“We brought in Heaven to mediate the negotiations,” Fieri said. “To be frank, I was way too fired up about this deal to let it pass anyway.”
The Hell-pit construction has brought in thousands of visitors, most of them from the California area, who don’t want to face long lines to meet their fate.
“Including the drive, I’m still waiting less time than if I would’ve gone down to the (Los Angeles Memorial) Coliseum,” said Los Angeles resident Helen A. Handbesket, referring to the University of Southern California football stadium. “Go Trojans!”
About 10,000 more Hellbound visitors are expected to arrive downtown today, the Devil said.
“Going to Heaven is easy,” the Devil said. “All you need is to send people to the open sky. Creating the pathways to get to Hell takes a lot more work.”