Tag Archives: John Cena

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Pentagram K site unleashes spirits and outrage

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Community members protested the construction of downtown Phoenix’s ninth Pentagram K on Sunday over concerns that its placement above yet another ancient burial ground would attract a large number of spirits to an area not designed for ghostly traffic.

Pentagram K has been buying up and developing on vacant burial sites for years, but city planners only recently noticed that the company’s strategic placement seems designed to harness the power of the afterlife to bring ghostly customers to its doors and sell otherworldly products.

Danielle Fantum, president of the Spooky Voices Coalition, said it was obvious that Pentagram K is in the final stages of executing a massive summoning ritual.

“Not only would the ritual give Pentagram K an unlimited source of new customers,” Fantum said. “It could open the floodgates to all sorts of unsavory characters. I mean, Genghis Khan could just float in and grab a soda.”

While some said the summoning could benefit every business and the area’s budding ghost-based economy, Fantum said she believes Pentagram K should not represent the gateway to downtown for posthumous visitors.

“Nevermind the potential troublemakers that could be visiting us,” she said. “I’ve seen nothing in Pentagram K’s design plans that indicates they understand the principles of a transparent, floatable downtown.”

Fantum is organizing a community meeting that would bring together ghostly and earth-bound stakeholders in an attempt to open a dialogue with the company about its development plans.

Chris Musspast, city of Phoenix director of community and economic development, said the city is working on developing a “complete skies” initiative, which would include requirements for businesses developing on vacant burial sites and opening portals for the undead to improve floatability.

“Luckily, we won’t have to remove parking spaces, put in giant flower pots or widen sidewalks this time,” Musspast said. “In fact, we don’t even have to have doors in some of these establishments.”

Pentagram K did not return requests for comment. The only response was a mysterious voicemail message left on the reporter’s phone at midnight during a full moon. The message contained a looped track of a cackling chorus.

“The city of the future is open to visitors of all life-stages and improves post-life retention rates,” Musspast said. “We see too many residents who leave downtown Phoenix after death for more floatable cities. This soul-drain is one of the biggest problems we face today.”

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Diablo Dining: Notes from our after-death dining critic

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“But doesn’t it just pass right through you?”

No question has haunted my career more than that one.

Hi. I’m Ahmnam Nahmnom, professional after-death dining critic. Just as troubled human souls live on here on Earth, so do those of restaurants whose lives ended in a bit of a dramatic flavor.

In the living world, I was an aspiring dining critic when I died, tragically, while I was out doing what I loved—eating and reviewing a new restaurant. The end came when a piece of (undercooked and underseasoned, with no real flavor profile to speak of) chicken breast lodged in my throat.

I was devastated that my career—and my life—was cut short. You can only imagine my delight when I saw my first spectral eatery. Sure, Scratch French Café was a little more see-through than I remembered, the pastries even lighter. But it was all there. I knew I could fight on for my dream job in the afterlife!

Surprised by all this? Yeah, bet you never thought to ask spirits about the after-death dining scene. It’s fine — no, really. Just keep it up with the “What’s your name?” and “How’d you die?” questions on your little Ouija board.

No, I’m not bitter. Why would you say that? Ugh. Let’s just get on with it.

Bonjour Vietnam

Think that icy, goosebumps-inducing chill you feel whenever you accidentally pass too close to a ghost is rough? Try feeling that cold inside all the time. Hands down the worst part of being a tormented soul doomed to walk the earth. That’s why I was so giddy to see the astral lights inside Bonjour Vietnam start flickering on our side of the void.

With all flavors more dull in the afterlife, Pho is great way to warm up and still taste some spice. A large Dead Biet ($10) pho, full of sliced ghost steak, tripe, tendons and other beefy bites is a standout. Orders of the Cackling Chien Don ($9.5), tempura soft shell spiders, and Cackling Thuz ($9.5), shrieking tuna, spring rolls will freshen up your meal.

Bonjour Vietnam was orderly but warm in life, and it’s become even starker in death. Ghosts can’t perceive the passage of time, but sitting at the bar certainly makes it feel like I’m in a modern time (maybe).

The COD? The restaurant owed nearly $5,000 in rent and passed on, quickly filled in by a second location of its sister restaurant Rice Paper. Ah, I know what it’s like to be so easily replaced, ol’ B.V.

Squash Blossom

This restaurant was a tortured soul while it was alive. Squash Blossom rebranded and promoted like a fame-hungry 20-something looking for their big break. Since the end finally came for Squash Blossom, it’s become a gentler soul in death.

Yes, ghosts do brunch. We’ve already established that ghosts eat. Anyone that goes out to eat can’t resist going out to brunch. And when we do, Squash Blossom’s $10 Spookday brunch buffet is a great deal (for your information, after-death unemployment is on the rise at 8.9 percent). On any other day of the week, I’d recommend the jack-o’-lantern pancakes ($6). Fall is equally trendy among spirits.

The Local

The good do die young. The Local had only opened its doors for six months before drawing its final, wizened breath. You’re a bunch of monsters for letting this place go, but I’m not complaining. Finally, a place where ghosts can put on their heels and bow ties. (Yes, ghosts in bow ties look as adorable as you’d think they would. No, you can’t see. You’re not dead.)

After all, isn’t it much more appropriate that a spirit dine on a Roasted Jangling Bone layered with bacon and onion toe jam ($15)? While not as spooky, the Crispy Pig Ear Pad Thai ($9) is a wonderful collision of different cultural flavors. I’d enjoy either with a signature Lambert-Gini ($9), featuring fresh blood, tears and rosemary. Spirits do love spirits.

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Ghost fashionistas get the shock of their (after)lives in downtown Phoenix

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Greta H.S. Timothy was in for a big surprise when she hit up downtown Phoenix for some shopping on a recent trip to the area’s finest vintage shops. She was so shocked, in fact, she cried out.

No one heard it, of course. Timothy is the latest in a new wave of apparitions to hit the downtown Phoenix scene. Populating (and haunting) restaurants, apartment complexes and shops, ghosts like Timothy have been getting quite the scare themselves, thanks to the duds found in some vintage stores.

“Hey, those are my clothes!” Timothy exclaimed.

She pointed out a sequined shift dress found at Antique Sugar Vintage.

“I wore that on a trip to New York in the 1920s,” Timothy said. “Boy, was that wild! Something straight out of ‘The Great Gatsby,’ I’m telling you.”

Timothy expressed discontent at the item’s selling price.

“The tag said $30,” she said. “$30? For that dazzling piece of sparkly, fringed fabric? I rubbed elbows with the rich and famous in that dress! It’s worth at least $100.”

Also on display was Timothy’s engagement ring, a vintage, two-carat diamond going for $20.

“The ring was better than the guy, you know what I’m saying?” Timothy said. “Still, I was a bit shocked to see my treasured clothing and accessories on display. At first I was annoyed, but now I only hope the future wearers of these pieces can do them justice.”

With vintage shops gaining attention and prevalence in the downtown area, ghosts are beginning to wonder if these new, “hip” fashionistas are just following a trend or are actually going to stick to the ghost fashion style.

“With all these young folk picking all my old styles, I need to stay ahead of the trend. Recently I’ve been trending toward a minimalistic approach that features simply a blank white sheet,” said Ella Weems, a resident of Pioneer and Military Memorial Park.

Samuel Inking, who was a passenger on the Titanic, recently found a pair of his sea-salt-washed denim jeans at Black N Blue. When asked about the new pricing of his jeans at $100, Inking was spooked.

“I remember when I bought those things for a nickel. This inflation would give me a heart attack,” Inking said. “I mean, if I had a heart.”