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Investigation shows that Mayor Stanton was a ghost the whole time

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An analysis of archival footage from Greg Stanton’s various public appearances and press events suggests that the mayor of Phoenix has been a ghost all along.

A collaboration between the Phoenix Diablo and the Paranormal Center for Investigative Reporting looked at 107 minutes of footage to reach this conclusion.

“Everything looks pretty normal the first time you watch it,” said Joel Otmens, executive director of PCIR. “But if you watch it again knowing that Stanton’s a ghost you’ll notice that nobody ever looks at him or talks directly to him, stuff like that. It’s actually really well done.”

Other key clues uncovered include red jellyfish symbols appearing whenever Stanton connected with the living world and Stanton’s opponents’ inability to actually respond to him during debates in the 2011 and 2015 elections.

It’s currently unclear how Stanton’s ghostliness will impact his second term in office or urban development policies. The revelations have made some, like downtown advocate Steve Stevoski, doubtful of the mayor’s accomplishments so far.

“I mean, that explains some of the successes with homeless veterans,” he said. “I knew the government couldn’t actually get that done. Ghosts make much more sense.”

Stevoski also expressed concerns that Stanton’s upcoming policies would promote the ghostification of Phoenix.

“I just don’t want to see all of these living art studios and small buildings replaced by lifeless ghost apartment complexes.”

At time of publishing, it is unclear if ghosts actually live in apartment complexes.

Stanton supported the Ghost Property Lease Excise Tax (GPLET) program, which is deemed responsible for drawing a number of major ghost businesses to the downtown area.

The mayor’s office declined to speak with Phoenix Diablo’s staff medium.

UPDATE: Ghost-Mayor Stanton has released a statement:

“…”

UPDATE 2: Our staff medium has read the statement:

“I can assure you all that I am not a ghost,” the statement read.

Now that the news has broken, some Phoenix voters claim to have known that Stanton was a ghost all along.

“It was pretty obvious,” said self-identified politics buff and commentator Will Moodymoontz.

“Anybody who was paying attention should have figured it out,” he added, entirely unable to elaborate on why or how he knew.

Stay tuned for more collaboration between the Diablo and PCIR, including an investigation into the claim that luxury developers can be repelled using glasses of water.

Community, News

With city in ruins, no change in plans for Super Bowl festivities in February 2015, officials say

Despite pressure from the Super Bowl host committee about the fact that there are only 12 residents remaining, Phoenix officials insist on keeping Super Bowl activities in downtown Phoenix. (Francis Hallo/PD)

The apocalypse that recently shook much of downtown Phoenix and the world is not expected to affect Super Bowl festivities, city officials said Friday.

Phoenix Mayor Greg Stanton said he is used to people regarding downtown Phoenix as “boring,” but the apocalypse could even be seen as part of downtown Phoenix’s revitalization efforts.

“We’re currently in the middle of revitalizing downtown, but as we’ve seen before, big events like pre-Super Bowl festivities draw people from outside downtown Phoenix to the area,” Stanton said. “We’re confident that this massive swath of destruction won’t impede on either the revitalization efforts or the Super Bowl festivities.”

Not everyone was as optimistic about the situation as Stanton. Several members of the Super Bowl’s host committee visited downtown Phoenix on Thursday to scout facilities and further plan the festivities, committee member John Smith said. He said he was outraged that the city failed to inform the committee of the apocalypse’s utter ruination of the city.

“If we had known that downtown Phoenix had become more of a desert wasteland, we never, ever would have scheduled the pre-game events here,” Smith said. “We would’ve gone somewhere more vibrant. Like Mesa.”

A major issue with the apocalypse is that there will be no one to operate the venues where the festivities would take place, Smith said, and out-of-state visitors may be turned off by the complete lack of human life in the area. Stanton dismissed the notion.

“We’ve heard this before, that there’s no nightlife in downtown Phoenix, that there’s nothing to do,” Stanton said. “It simply isn’t true. Downtown is a bustling urban core, and it’s ridiculous to think something as insignificant as the complete and utter destruction of the city’s infrastructure would change that.”

City Councilwoman Kate Gallego said keeping the Super Bowl festivities in downtown Phoenix would bring an economic boost to the area and be an exciting experience for the residents as well. According to disaster-relief numbers, downtown Phoenix currently has 12 surviving residents.

“I can’t think of a better way to show visitors to Phoenix the spirit of the urban core than by hosting the Super Bowl parties here,” Gallego said. “I don’t think this widespread annihilation of everything we know and love will affect it at all. If anything, it gives us an opportunity to show visitors how vibrant downtown Phoenix truly is.”

Despite the mayor and councilwoman’s optimism, city records indicate reservations at city-owned facilities, such as the Phoenix Convention Center and the Sheraton Phoenix Downtown Hotel, have taken a nosedive, with less than 2 percent of each venue scheduled to be occupied during the Super Bowl.

Former downtown Phoenix resident Scott Johnson, who relocated to Mesa prior to the apocalypse, said it would be better for the Super Bowl festivities to take place in another city.

“This is the city once again not giving the downtown community, dead or alive, a voice,” Johnson said. “You know things are bad when the Super Bowl host committee wants to host events in Mesa, of all places.”