Tag Archives: spooky

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Investigation shows that Mayor Stanton was a ghost the whole time

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An analysis of archival footage from Greg Stanton’s various public appearances and press events suggests that the mayor of Phoenix has been a ghost all along.

A collaboration between the Phoenix Diablo and the Paranormal Center for Investigative Reporting looked at 107 minutes of footage to reach this conclusion.

“Everything looks pretty normal the first time you watch it,” said Joel Otmens, executive director of PCIR. “But if you watch it again knowing that Stanton’s a ghost you’ll notice that nobody ever looks at him or talks directly to him, stuff like that. It’s actually really well done.”

Other key clues uncovered include red jellyfish symbols appearing whenever Stanton connected with the living world and Stanton’s opponents’ inability to actually respond to him during debates in the 2011 and 2015 elections.

It’s currently unclear how Stanton’s ghostliness will impact his second term in office or urban development policies. The revelations have made some, like downtown advocate Steve Stevoski, doubtful of the mayor’s accomplishments so far.

“I mean, that explains some of the successes with homeless veterans,” he said. “I knew the government couldn’t actually get that done. Ghosts make much more sense.”

Stevoski also expressed concerns that Stanton’s upcoming policies would promote the ghostification of Phoenix.

“I just don’t want to see all of these living art studios and small buildings replaced by lifeless ghost apartment complexes.”

At time of publishing, it is unclear if ghosts actually live in apartment complexes.

Stanton supported the Ghost Property Lease Excise Tax (GPLET) program, which is deemed responsible for drawing a number of major ghost businesses to the downtown area.

The mayor’s office declined to speak with Phoenix Diablo’s staff medium.

UPDATE: Ghost-Mayor Stanton has released a statement:

“…”

UPDATE 2: Our staff medium has read the statement:

“I can assure you all that I am not a ghost,” the statement read.

Now that the news has broken, some Phoenix voters claim to have known that Stanton was a ghost all along.

“It was pretty obvious,” said self-identified politics buff and commentator Will Moodymoontz.

“Anybody who was paying attention should have figured it out,” he added, entirely unable to elaborate on why or how he knew.

Stay tuned for more collaboration between the Diablo and PCIR, including an investigation into the claim that luxury developers can be repelled using glasses of water.

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Spirit of SoRo raises a racket at site of new luxury apartment

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Phoenix Ghostbusters has received several reports of paranormal activity in the area of the now-demolished buildings south of Roosevelt formerly known as “SoRo,” according to a spokesman.

Reports include alleged sounds of creaking and doors slamming coming from seemingly nowhere as well as incidents of vandalism at the new luxury apartments set to open on the property.

SoRo included businesses ranging from art galleries to print shops.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if the lots are haunted by the ghosts of the demolished businesses,” said paranormal activity expert Cordell D. Munn. “If someone demolished me to make room for some unnecessary luxury apartments, I’d have beef with them too.”

Residents have recently complained to Phoenix City Council’s Paranormal Activity Commission about the sounds of the alleged ghosts wailing.

“I can hardly sleep with all the noise at night,” said resident Peter Perspiration. “This is worse than when the FAA changed flight paths.”

Although the disturbances caused by the ghosts have prompted complaints from some residents, not everyone is opposed to the ghosts’ fixtures being heard.

Downtown Phoenix activist Gregory Oyle is leading the effort to allow the ghosts to make whatever noise they want, citing the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom of speech.

“I’ve lived in downtown Phoenix for more than 50 years,” Oyle said in a Facebook comment on a Phoenix Diablo photo. “When I arrived, the population was less than 100,000. And I believe every single person or building, living or dead, in Phoenix deserves to have their voice heard.”

Oyle did not return calls for further comment.

Carisse Parsons, a Phoenix First Amendment attorney, said the constitutional right to freedom of speech does not necessarily apply to beings that are no longer alive.

“There isn’t much legal precedent to this, but I can say that constitutional rights are usually reserved for living human beings,” Parsons said. “The Constitution starts with ‘We the People,’ not ‘We the Ghosts.’ Also, buildings have literally never been given First Amendment protection.”

Oyle is pushing for the ghosts of SoRo to be appointed to the board of Downtown Phoenix Voices and the paranormal activity commission, arguing that dead or alive, they have the right to be considered downtown Phoenix residents.

Opponents say Oyle is being ridiculous and that ghosts of dead people do not even get appointed to commissions, so ghosts of demolished buildings shouldn’t either.

“If we let the ghost of every downtown demolished building or closed business join the commission, it would just be made up of ghosts,” Perspiration said.