While many in downtown Phoenix and across the globe were alarmed by yesterday’s apocalypse, some downtown residents were less impacted by the fall of humankind.
Joe Blow, a freshman at ASU’s Downtown Phoenix campus, said he only noticed the end of the majority of the world’s population because of a drop in posts on the anonymous message-board app “YikYak.”
“I thought it was always like this,” Blow said. “I was watching a movie and heard some yelling, so I closed my window.”
When asked about the explosions and roaming bands of cannibalistic survivors, Blow said that he “thought that was that First Friday thing.”
The marauding horde that Blow mistook for one of the major cultural components of the city he now calls home eventually settled down and made its base at an Undergraduate Student Government Downtown meeting. The horde’s attendance made the meeting the largest of the semester, though USGD still lacked a full Senate.
While some students downtown have not yet been affected by the apocalypse, a number of industries are making changes to better cater to the event’s survivors. A local business owner who has started referring to herself exclusively as “Angry Annabelle” said that her store was well-equipped to handle the changes brought about by the destruction of thousands of years of development.
“We figure it’ll be a lot like the slowdown we see in the summer months,” Annabelle said. “Just for the rest of our existence. At least we don’t have to pay to keep the place air-conditioned anymore.”
Annabelle said her store will be stocking up on locally-crafted artisan survival tools, with a small section continuing to provide cactus-laden T-shirts and coffee mugs for confused tourists who believe they’re close to the Grand Canyon.
Despite the destruction of most of the city’s cars and their drivers, damaged roads and the phenomenon of “post-apocalyptic sprawl” have continued to make things difficult for walkers and bikers.
The city of Phoenix has stated that the apocalypse will not change parking hours, although changes to standard business hours and the lack of gasoline and electricity may cause adjustments in the future.