Tag Archives: witches

Downtown Dining

Downtown Dining: Red Heart Cauldron Brewing Company

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(Ahmnom Nahmnom/PD)
Red Heart Cauldron Brewing Company offers up the right brews at the right price. (Ahmnam Nahmnom/PD)

When you walk in, Red Heart appears to be just another cauldron brewery. To the left you have some hand-crafted brooms for comfortable seating. The walls are adorned with bottled souls of past customers and eerie portraits of the owners. Members of the Witch High Society, also known as Alpha Beta Witch Witch, are often found sitting near the window. To the right hang two cauldrons made by local artisans. The first cauldron contains the daily special, while the second contains yesterday’s daily special.

In addition to the cauldron specials, customers have the option to order off the always expanding menu. I ordered the “Hearty Half Caff, Half Calf” ($4.99 + two toes) which was equal parts calf heart and decaffeinated barista soul stirred and heated to 1000 F. I prefer my drinks shaken, not stirred, but for Red Heart I was willing to make an exception. Overall, the smoothness of the drink complimented the warmness felt in what used to be my toes.

My good friend, Claire Voiant, enjoyed a chilled non-fat soy latte ($3.99 + three black cats). She said it was nice but could have used a bit more soy. She even let me try it. And to be honest, it wasn’t that great. Neither is she, now that I mention it. Why did I bring her?

The service was quite phenomenal. Young witches and warlocks, but mostly witches, flew around the sitting area. While your soul may be empty, your cup will always be full to the brim.

Red Heart first popped up on my radar and caught the attention of the community in early September after a photo was posted to their MageBook page with the caption reading “Spending the day flying around with friends at Red Heart!”

The photo showed two presumably soulless customers slumped on their broomsticks with the owner propped up on his broom flashing a thumbs up. Some community members saw this as a sign of disrespect and were up in arms for a couple days. But the rage quickly dissipated after the individuals realized they had more important things to worry about.

What makes Red Heart unique is the faint chill that runs down your spine every time you walk through the door. Embrace this feeling, because it only enhances the bitter taste in the back of your mouth as you swallow your hot expresso.

Red Heart Cauldron does not just sell coffee. They sell a livelihood. Frequent Red Heart customers should consider buying a Witch Pass ($0.00 + first born son and/or daughter) to zoom to the front of the line. Members will also be invited to the city of Phoenix’s annual Witch Hunt, a celebration of witch culture and heritage hosted by Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Guaranteed fun for the whole family.

After your quick coffee break, consider stopping at Circle K for lunch. There could soon be one on every corner.

Community, News

Phoenix residents claim 3 women’s witchcraft is to blame for light-rail system shutdown

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(Photographer/PD)
The Metro light rail lost power on Oct. 24. Phoenix officials are searching for three suspected witches in connection to the power outage after finding witch’s brew coated on the lines. (Elphaba Thropp/PD)

The Metro light rail lost power throughout its entire system on Oct. 24 and residents claim local witchcraft is the culprit after Metro employees discovered witch’s brew coated on the lines.

Before the light rail lost power, some people in a light-rail car noticed suspicious activity from three women in the back. According to eyewitnesses, the women kept arguing and murmuring “incantations that could not possibly be English.” To make matters worse, there was a black cat named Binx; the suspicious women cooed his name, and the cat reportedly made a number of people uncomfortable.

“The cat looked like your average black cat, but its unsettling bright eyes looked almost human as they stared at me,” frequent light-rail rider Glen Dale said. “I don’t know what kind of sick Halloween joke these women were pulling, but Phoenix police need to find them soon.”

After the light rail came to a halt, riders noticed that the women disappeared without a trace. Even Binx silently vanished. Due to the extravagant black costumes, strange behavior and current public opinion, the city launched a witch hunt the following night.

“The suspicious activity is pretty normal for the Metro light rails,” Phoenix police Officer Dan Dee said. “However, this is a whole new level of suspicion that needs to be addressed, and the only way to clear the claims is to find these women before they cause any more chaos.”

The names of the three women are unknown, but coordinators of the downtown Phoenix witch hunt are channeling the old days of Salem and 1950s Washington by tracking broom routes and pasting wanted posters on walls around the city.

The city is expected to call in two witch-hunting professionals, Hansel and Gretel Grimm. The hunters have extensive experience with witches, tracking and fighting them many times since their youth.

One of the major tips that witches were involved with the shutdown was physical evidence on the power lines.

During repairs on the line, a worker noticed the lines were coated in a green substance.

“The stuff on the light-rail lines looked like Jell-O, and it went on and on all throughout the lines,” Valley Metro employee Reese Spieces said. “It was really difficult to remove. We even tried using a chisel, and it wasn’t working so well.”

After workers removed the substance late in the afternoon, it was sent to the Cauldron, a local laboratory, and tested. Scientists found many unexpected components, including human toes, spider legs and duck bills.

“We had to break out an unusual, banned-in-15-states chemistry set,” Dr. Vic Frankenstein said. “Tests indicated double the amount of bubble, a little bit of toil and lots of trouble.”

Community, News

Local rapper Wiz Magica’s album protested for derogatory use of the word ‘witch’ in lyrics

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(Photographer/PD)
Wiz Magica, whose new album “good kid, w.I.T.C.h. City” is expected to debut at the top of the music charts, has been protested by Witches Against Rap Music for his lyrics. (Willow Rosenburg/PD)

Witches Against Rap Music, a movement against the derogatory use of the word “witch” in hip-hop, is protesting the release of an album in Phoenix. Local rapper Wiz Magica’s “good kid, w.I.T.C.h. City” is expected to debut at the top of the Mageboard 100 Music Charts.

“w.I.T.C.h. City” is Magica’s third release. Magica’s first two albums, “Section.666” and “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Wizardry” earned the rapper over $2 million in sales and fans around the world. Liliac Blue, WARM president, is not among them.

“It’s not just about the way he (Magica) says ‘witch,’” Blue said. “It’s about my rights as a human being, magical or otherwise. It’s about being able to walk to my broom at night. It’s about not accepting that you’re a – as Magica likes to call us – ‘second-string witch.’”

Magica has long been known for the controversial themes and language in his music. In 2011, his “Twisted Wizardry” album release had similar, but smaller protests. The album set first week sales records and received a 10.0/10 from popular music site “Witchfork,” also known as “W4k.” W4k founder Devin Skweeber noted in his review that listeners must often look past Magica’s lyrics and focus on his musical merit.

“There’s no doubt that Magica needs to grow up,” Skweeber wrote in the October 2011 article. “Phrases like ‘a witchy wizard, that’s that spell I don’t like’ aren’t acceptable in today’s day and age. However, the very passion that leads to Magica’s enormous beats is the same passion that fuels his language.”

Protestors at the WARM event in Civic Space Park chanted and held signs for more than two hours. Signs were mostly plays on Magica’s anti-witch lyrics, with phrases like “I’ve got 99 problems and your language is one,” and “#MadWitchAlert” being commonplace.

Magica acknowledged the protestors during his press conference at the album release. He didn’t have much of a choice – most of the questions reporters wanted answered were about his controversial lyrical content.

“Man, I don’t hate witches,” Magica said. “I’m not saying they belong at the cauldron or anything like that. I even say it on the album – on ‘Spell 2’ – I can’t get enough of witches.”

Even the allegedly positive “Spell 2” lyric that Magica referenced received attention from the crowd. In a song dedicated to his fiancé, Get Morecashian, Magica asks the listener “have you ever asked your witch for other witches?”

Blue answered the question with a resounding “no.”

“I’m not here to challenge an alternative lifestyle,” Blue said to the crowd of protesters. “But loyalty and trust stay important, even in a telepathic relationship. In fact, we should be asking ‘Have you ever asked your rapper for other rappers?’”

The one subject that Blue refused to touch on was one Magica seemed most excited to talk about. “Broom Ridin’,” the third single off of “w.I.T.C.h. City” featured known spellcaster and implied witch advocate Lana the Grey. The song’s chorus has resulted in backlash for both Magica and the Grey.

“Catch me ridin’ like a witch,” Magica raps. “Got my broomstick high, catch me ridin’ with my witch, uh. Long hair. Lana, that’s my witch, uh. You can tell by the magic and the lips, uh.”

Blue would not comment on the Grey’s work with Magica. As the album release came to a close, Blue rallied the protestors as they left on their broomsticks. Blue’s rallying cry remained what it had been all night – a reversal of Magica’s own words from his new album.

“One witch is worth a thousand good girls!”

“good kid, w.I.T.C.h. City” will be released by Mage Nation Records next week. The WARM movement is expected to follow Magica on his nationwide tour this autumn.

Community, News

Circle K under fire for faking thefts, using black magic to overtake competition

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(Photographer/PD)
Theft of objects that can be used for spell casting, like the photographed severed goat’s head, has brought Circle K under the Phoenix Police Black Magic Enforcement Administration’s microscope. (Henrieta Hubble/PD)

Phoenix Police Black Magic Enforcement Administration is investigating Circle K following a string of magic-related thefts, leading officials to believe the gas station company is using black magic to squash their competition.

Over the last several weeks, Circle K reported stolen items including newt eyes, scarab beetles, black cat hair, candles, 44 oz. sodas, beef jerky and a severed goat’s head. According to authorities, these items can be used by witches to cast the convenience store “competition spell,” which summons black magic to turn all local retail businesses into Circle Ks.

Some officers — who wished to remain anonymous for fear of repercussions — said Circle K may be using these thefts as a cover for allowing the use of the dangerous materials for illegal spells.

Suzy Peel, Circle K real estate development manager for Arizona, said that Circle K has never cooperated with witches.

“It’s absurd to think that we would fake thefts in order to plausibly deny involvement,” Peel said as she tapped her long fingernails on her skull-shaped coffee mug and patted her black cat. “But if a group of witches were to engage in black magic that would remove all of our competitors, who are we to stop them?”

Carlos Estrada, Circle K loss prevention manager for Arizona and Nevada, said in a robotic monotone that Circle K was doing everything possible to catch the magical thieves, but declined to offer specifics.

“We are doing everything possible to catch the magical thieves,” Estrada said as his eyes glazed over and he continued without blinking. “We are doing everything possible to catch the magical thieves.”

When asked if he was under mind control, Estrada gave a definitive and singular “No.”

Sergeant John Hildegarde of Phoenix’s Black Magic Enforcement Administration said the police first began to suspect Circle K after community members reported seeing Peel talk with several women sporting black robes, pointed hats and long noses in a dark alley.

“Newt eyes and goat’s head are heavily controlled substances,” Hildegarde said. “If Circle K employees or customers were to use them, the city would know in a heartbeat. Steal them and store them in a paranormal dimension and we have a harder time tracking them down.”

Hildegarde also said that purchasing products from a Circle K could potentially put the customer under a spell that would remove the person’s soul and replace it with parasitic corporatism.

“I would warn all downtown residents not to approach Circle K for any reason until this is resolved,” Hildegarde said. “Do not purchase gasoline or fountain drinks under any circumstances.”

Hildegarde said that not every officer in the Phoenix police force was intent on investigating Circle K.

“At the beginning of the investigation I had a lot of support,” Hildegarde said. “But then this nice old woman came by handing out apples and officers started calling in sick the next day. The guys they brought in to replace them don’t believe me.”

Joe Clure, president of the Phoenix Law Enforcement Association and current police officer, said that Hildegarde’s fear was unfounded.

“Circle K has been a proud sponsor of the Phoenix Law Enforcement Association for many years now,” Clure said while sipping from his Circle K soda mug. “The company would never do anything unethical or illegal. And who cares if every store becomes a Circle K? It means I don’t have to walk as far to get my snacks.”

Elizabeth Switch, president of the Downtown Arcane Arts Association, said that she also didn’t see the problem.

“I’ve been campaigning for more black magic in this community my whole life,” Switch said. “If a little civil disobedience on Circle K’s part is what is required to push black magic issues to the forefront of everyone’s mind, then I applaud their efforts. Besides, who wouldn’t sell their soul for 79 cents?”

Community, News

Local band Blister Rip suspected of magic use

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(Photographer/PD)
Local band Blister Rip has been packing shows lately, attributed by some to their use of magical powers. The band confirmed exclusively to this Phoenix Diablo reporter that they are a small coven. (Morgana le Fay/PD)

Blister Rip has been lighting up local venues recently, enchanting fans into an almost mystic state; however, it has been discovered that there might be another force behind the spellbound audiences — the practice of magic.

At a show Wednesday night, Lawn Gnome Publishing was filled to the brim with people spilling out onto the streets around the building, craving for even a glance at Blister Rip’s set.

And this is just one example of many recent packed shows. As the crowd dispersed — all with a tranced, yet satisfied look on their faces with CDs in hand — curiosity begged for explanation. I seemed to be one of the few who wasn’t glassy-eyed and shuffling home with a big grin on my face.

“What is this? Why is this happening?”

The band stopped packing up and looked at me, smiling. There has been speculation for weeks about the band using “alternative measures” to draw crowds to their shows, but they had yet to confirm this to anyone. The band confirmed that they are, indeed, a small coven; only not traditionally so.

No one has ever seen Blister Rip arriving to a show. In fact, several attendees at different shows that were interviewed cannot recall the beginning of any of the gigs.

“This is the eighth Blister Rip show I’ve been to,” Fizzy Liftingdrink said. “To be honest, I can’t remember much but the beautiful vibes that went through that crowd and the harmonies that are still ringing in my ears. I hear they’re playing again tomorrow.”

The reason for the memory loss is a spell placed on the audience before the show to make them forget Blister Rip’s arrival, the band said. The eerie smoke emitted from the stage is not just a fog machine. The band actually flies in to their shows.

“We don’t fly on brooms, though,” lead singer and coven leader Ellis Lengthyshins said. “We fly in on guitars. Brooms are so 1999.”

The group’s dark attire at each performance has consisted of black and more black, clad in Dumbledore-esque clothing. The style seemed to only provide an emphasis to the ominously jazzy tone of the music. It does, of course, have a different purpose.

“Our magic is so strong that it is almost blinding,” bassist Joan Brewhaha said. “So we wear dark colors to counteract the shine.”

According to the group, the band also casts a love spell each time they play, which becomes more intense after each song.

The shine is not from the reflection of the light, but rather from the bright bursts of sorcery that arise from the lyrical incantations. Onlookers become mystified and addicted, the band says. One additional benefit is, for the first time ever at a concert, each person is able to clap along with the beat.

“We use it for our own musical benefit and focus it all on making sexy tunes,” drummer Pants McGee said. “Sometimes to make the best music you have to bare your soul, and what better way than to put it out there to enchant the people around you? It’s like a love potion but better.”

The band described their brew, both in terms of spells and musical sound, to be two parts rock, one part blues, one part soul, the spirit of jazz, eye of newt and powdered dragon claw.

Although using questionable methods, the band’s music and soul enthralls local audiences, and they assure that the spells cause no harm other than occasional coughing fits and healthy addiction.

“It might seem as if we are doing wrong,” Lengthyshins said. “But it’s not a choice. Our magic just kind of comes out. It’s a natural part of who we are, and when our music takes us over, we can’t concentrate on keeping it in.”