Mayor Greg Stanton faced an uphill battle Thursday when he got stuck on a broken escalator for several hours. Stanton was several hours late to a press conference he called to discuss an earlier incident in which he was stuck in an elevator.
“Sorry I’m late, I was still waiting to vote,” Stanton said to the handful of reporters who stuck around, using humor to mask his loosening grip on reality.
Ryan Boyd announced his exit from USGD last month, prompting several catastrophic events that have thrown the ASU Downtown Phoenix campus into complete and utter chaos.
On Wednesday, several student organization leaders waiting in line at the Post Office for tables began to shriek like the Puerto Rico-native Coqui Frog. One club president broke off from the rest of the pack and raced off, tearing off a section of the heating tank in the bowels of the Post Office.
“Our club was supposed to table a few days ago, but after Ryan left no one knew who to call, so I took matters into my own hands,” the club leader said.
He then bent the hunk of red hot metal into the shape of a table and placed it in Taylor Mall and began to table, without permission. Following the removal of the metal from the heating tank, flames engulfed the Post Office and the entire building was soon set ablaze.
Boyd said the heat brought on by the explosion would be good preparation for the students who have not yet experienced a true Arizona summer.
“We want to prepare students the best way we can for the nuclear armageddon following the election of Donald Trump, or the heat of the Arizona summer, whichever comes first,” Boyd said.
Several plans that Boyd’s underlings at USGD had pitched but had yet to gain Boyd’s beached seal of approval went into effect following the announcement of his departure.
Among these plans was BOGO, which stands for Buy One Get One M1 Abrams tank free. This new plan makes ASU parking spaces available to all armored vehicles of the U.S. military.
Another fast-passed proposal comes from the School for Criminology and Criminal Justice senators. The new plan will bring criminals direct to the Downtown Phoenix campus so that the criminal justice students can get real-world job experience. The plan, costing around $6 trillion, will result in a 5347 percent increase in tuition for out-of-state students.
“What’s wonderful about this is that this is a realistic situation,” Boyd said. “Inevitably, someone will make a mistake and shoot a criminal, but that’s why we have pre-med students, and then the journalists will get to cover it.”
USGD has also failed to keep up with keeping track of the Downtown Phoenix campus’ budget. A visitor from USG in Tempe arrived to find that instead of measuring fund allocations in dollars and cents, USGD were using spoonfuls of tomato soup from Devil’s Greens.
“And what else? And what else?” one senator was heard muttering inconsolably.
As for Ryan Boyd himself, he could not turn down the full-time paid position of Rabbit Emperor of the World. As rabbit dictat, Boyd will oversee redistributing carrots and making sure that hopping lanes on Third Street are instituted.
“The rabbits are here, the rabbits are coming,” Boyd said. “You thought Bernie had a revolution? You ain’t seen nothing yet.”
Thousands of students were left angry and frustrated after waiting up to five hours in line to vote in the Undergraduate Student Government Downtown’s uncontested election Tuesday.
The line to vote wrapped around the block in an election with only one ticket running.
In an act students are calling voter suppression, USGD officials chose to change the election process from online voting on MyASU to in-person voting at one location at the Mercado Building. Thousands of students had to walk nearly seven minutes to the location.
“They don’t want us to vote,” said sophomore Ann Otherone. “They don’t want us to have that major key to democracy.”
After waiting several hours in line, some students opted to order pizza, but were told Dominos’ machine could not process their Maroon and Gold dollars. The polling location also ran out of ballots at one point.
Students complained that the long lines and inefficiency of the polling place robbed them of their right to vote.
“We have a voice and a right to elect who we want to represent us,” said junior Meg Lanton. “I want to be able to vote for the person who basically does nothing as USGD president.”
Furthering some students’ theory that the election was fixed, former USGD president and graduating senior Frank “FS3” Smith III was elected as president. Smith said he is considering extending his undergraduate education to serve as president.
“It’s ridiculous,” said freshman Damien Lee. “He doesn’t even go here.”
Smith was projected to win the election by Phoenix Diablo and other major media outlets while students were still in line to vote. Students are calling upon Maricopa County Recorder Helen Purcell to resign over the long wait times and potential voter disenfranchisement.
“Helen Purcell is inept,” said downtown Phoenix resident Peter Perspiration, who is not an ASU student and therefore ineligible to vote. “She should resign.”
Students have started a change.org petition to call for a revote.
While many in downtown Phoenix and across the globe were alarmed by yesterday’s apocalypse, some downtown residents were less impacted by the fall of humankind.
Joe Blow, a freshman at ASU’s Downtown Phoenix campus, said he only noticed the end of the majority of the world’s population because of a drop in posts on the anonymous message-board app “YikYak.”
“I thought it was always like this,” Blow said. “I was watching a movie and heard some yelling, so I closed my window.”
When asked about the explosions and roaming bands of cannibalistic survivors, Blow said that he “thought that was that First Friday thing.”
The marauding horde that Blow mistook for one of the major cultural components of the city he now calls home eventually settled down and made its base at an Undergraduate Student Government Downtown meeting. The horde’s attendance made the meeting the largest of the semester, though USGD still lacked a full Senate.
While some students downtown have not yet been affected by the apocalypse, a number of industries are making changes to better cater to the event’s survivors. A local business owner who has started referring to herself exclusively as “Angry Annabelle” said that her store was well-equipped to handle the changes brought about by the destruction of thousands of years of development.
“We figure it’ll be a lot like the slowdown we see in the summer months,” Annabelle said. “Just for the rest of our existence. At least we don’t have to pay to keep the place air-conditioned anymore.”
Annabelle said her store will be stocking up on locally-crafted artisan survival tools, with a small section continuing to provide cactus-laden T-shirts and coffee mugs for confused tourists who believe they’re close to the Grand Canyon.
Despite the destruction of most of the city’s cars and their drivers, damaged roads and the phenomenon of “post-apocalyptic sprawl” have continued to make things difficult for walkers and bikers.
The city of Phoenix has stated that the apocalypse will not change parking hours, although changes to standard business hours and the lack of gasoline and electricity may cause adjustments in the future.
I realize that with everything catching fire, clouds of disease floating through town and all of us making peace with our impending deaths, outfit inspiration has a hit a real low. So, I’ve made a quick list of DIY looks to help you make it through the end of days in style!
1. Ash as makeup
So your entire city is burning. All your worldly possessions are gone, including your trusty makeup kit (even your Naked palettes!). Well, silver lining, look at what’s around you! What do you see? Ash, soot, dirt, whatever you want to call it, these leftovers from the Great Fire have similar properties to your favorite powders!
Grab a container and fill it up with this stuff in between escaping the Hell beasts. I recommend using some fur scraps from your latest kill as a brush to apply some ash as a contour for a real avant-garde survivor’s look. You’ll really harken back to all those Hunger Games-inspired trends, so retro!
2. Layer, layer, layer!
With temperatures fluctuating between -50 and 150 degrees Fahrenheit, your daily look has to be able to meet the ever-changing demands of the Final Storm. Luckily, the rags that are left over from your once-impeccable wardrobe or found in the crumbling remains of civilization are perfect for the latest layered trend!
See if you can vary between shades of brown, gray and beige as well as textures to really highlight the different pieces of your look. If you’re feeling really ambitious, dried blood splatter can add a splash of color and really sends a “Don’t mess with me” vibe to roving murderous bandits.
3. Making jewelry from diamonds in the rough
Accessorizing when you’re facing death by starvation, disease, mauling by demon, fire or botched rapture is hard. However, taking those extra few minutes after returning from foraging empty-handed to bump your outfit to the next level can really make a difference in your ensemble.
I know just two weeks ago you were telling everyone over brunch how much you wanted to make and sell your own jewelry on Etsy. So, why not now? Grab a small strip of scrap metal, heat it up a bit over one of those pits to Hell, and bend it into a basic ring shape. Then, grab any one of those rocks lying around and stick it in while the metal’s still hot and bendy. Ta-da, your very own rock ring!
That’s all for now! If we’re all still alive next week, check back in for my next post: the ideal hunting and foraging ensembles.
Fictional character Cosmo Kramer narrowly defeated actor Will Smith in a surprisingly entertaining and supposedly important Undergraduate Student Government Downtown presidential election.
Kramer won the election with 1337 votes to Smith’s 1336 in an election that came down to the wire and saw candidates promising everything from alien invasion insurance to new episodes of Seinfeld.
With the win, Kramer became the first fictional character elected to a position traditionally filled by real people.
“To rule the people, one must walk among them,” Kramer said in an acceptance speech that emphasized his fictional roots. Kramer had been considered out of the running for USGD president after Seinfeld ended in 1998, but rallied over the past three weeks to take the win.
Kramer’s campaign promised hourly jokes delivered via MyASU and new episodes of Seinfeld to be streamed every week in place of student government meetings.
Neither candidate knew that he was nominated for the position until notified by student government election staff after spring break, but sprang into action despite the unexpected nature of the campaign.
Former USGD President Frank Smith III said that he felt the elections committee made a mistake, but that an oddly worded elections code prevented him from challenging the ruling.
Walter Cronkite School student Videog Proj said that she voted for Kramer because she liked Seinfeld and wanted to see more.
“I just wanted more Seinfeld,” she said. “My friend, Threeo Onekid, said he didn’t vote because he didn’t want to take a stance on 1990s comedies that could reflect on his work in the future.”
Will Smith said that by electing a fictional character, ASU’s Downtown Phoenix campus had doomed itself to destruction by aliens that would harvest resources and organs from the city.
“Humanity is going to be destroyed,” Smith said. “Only the president can authorize a suicide mission to hack into the alien command ship, and this president seems more concerned with jokes than survival.”
Kramer denied that the aliens were planning to destroy the planet and said they would only be involved with human organ harvesting and approving student organization funds.
“I’ve spoken with our new senators, and they are more than willing to work with alien faculty and staff on both the Budget Allocations and newly formed Mothership Operations committees,” Kramer said.
Smith ran on a platform that included lowering tuition by flying a plane into the offices of the Board of Regents and hacking their computers, opportunities to test for internships at local financial institutions and free companion dogs to help students prepare for the apocalypse.
Smith campaign manager M. Night Shyamalan said that the loss was planned from the beginning. Shyamalan’s campaigns have received fewer and fewer votes every year.
Smith’s running mate and son, Jaden Smith, said that there were still questions to be asked about how a Kramer presidency will function.
“How can our votes be real if the candidate isn’t real?” he asked.
After the vote totals were announced, Russian President Vladmir Putin called Kramer to congratulate him on the win. Putin expressed hopes that under new leadership, the campus would be more open to the possibility of invasion or coup. Kramer declined to say whether he would participate with Putin in the traditional, post-election, shirtless horseback-riding ceremony.
Other candidates that accrued votes included deceased economist Adam Smith, Dutch speed skater Yep Kramer and two-term USGD President and former ASU student Joseph Grossman.
Grossman said that even though he lost, he will return next year on a platform based on his connections in the Arizona Alien Affairs lobby.
Even with this election’s astronomical stakes, the broader downtown Phoenix community really didn’t care.
“It really doesn’t matter,” downtown advocate Peter Perspiration said. “It doesn’t matter who was elected. Nothing will change unless students get involved with the community.”
A journalism sophomore recently revealed to the Phoenix Diablo that he discovered the 13th floor of Taylor Place last weekend which, he said, houses the residents of ASU’s College of Witchcraft.
Max Dennison said he noticed an extra button between the buttons for the 12th and 14th floors in a Taylor Place elevator when he was returning to his dorm early Saturday morning after a night in Tempe.
“I was still kind of hazy from that night, and things still aren’t really clear,” he said. “But I know what I saw.”
Several ASU officials denied the existence of the residential hall and the college. Repeated attempts to locate the 13th floor by every single Phoenix Diablo staff member were unsuccessful. Attempts to locate the College of Witchcraft on the Downtown campus were also fruitless.
But, according to Dennison, he visited the 13th floor less than a week ago.
Spurred on by drunken curiosity, Dennison said he pressed the 13th floor button and arrived at the “Residential College of Witchcraft.”
“I couldn’t believe it,” he said. “I started to get really scared at that point — but not too scared.”
Dennison described the floor as painted black and orange with a musky, pungent odor not unlike wet socks. A dense fog covered the floor and, as he stepped out of the elevator, he said a black cat darted in front of him.
He said he saw a young woman dressed in dark robes and fitted jeans who seemed just as shocked to see him as he was to see her.
“She was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen, even with the huge mole on her nose,” Dennison said.
Dennison said she quickly grabbed him by his jacket and dragged him to her room. The hallway was splashed in what looked like fake blood, Dennison said. He added he hoped it was just a Halloween decoration, but at the time he couldn’t be sure.
“When I think back on it now, there were things that I probably should have scared me more,” he said. “On a normal day, a floating, glowing skull in the hallway would’ve freaked me out.”
When Dennison and the girl entered her room, she began yelling at him in a language Dennison couldn’t understand. He said her walls were covered in posters of gothic bands he had never heard of and paintings of strange symbols and scenes.
“Everything was blurring together at this point,” Dennison said. “It felt like I was going to pass out at any moment.”
Dennison said the girl handed him a green bottle and, without a second thought, Dennison drank the liquid.
“That was probably a stupid thing to do,” he said later.
Dennison says that was the last thing he remembers. He said he dreamt of shadows running across the moon, glowing eyes hiding in Phoenix alleyways and hands carrying him to an ancient volcanic beach.
He woke up the next morning in his bed on the 11th floor with what appeared to be worms in his pocket and a black lipstick stain on his forehead. Dennison said his roommate hadn’t noticed anything strange from the night before.
Downtown campus spokesman Marshall Terrill declined to comment on the possible existence of the 13th floor.
Christopher Callahan, dean of the Walter Cronkite School and vice provost of the Downtown campus, also denied any knowledge of the place.
“There is no College of Witchcraft and, if there were, it would probably be at the Polytechnic campus,” Callahan said. He then disappeared into a crowd of swarming freshmen.
In a phone interview, ASU President Michael Crow did not respond to questions about Dennison’s discovery. When questioned, Crow stayed silent for a long time, followed by a sharp screeching as if he had turned into a thousand angry bats.