Tag Archives: USGD

ASU

Chaos reigns in downtown campus after Ryan Boyd leaves USGD

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Ryan Boyd announced his exit from USGD last month, prompting several catastrophic events that have thrown the ASU Downtown Phoenix campus into complete and utter chaos.

On Wednesday, several student organization leaders waiting in line at the Post Office for tables began to shriek like the Puerto Rico-native Coqui Frog. One club president broke off from the rest of the pack and raced off, tearing off a section of the heating tank in the bowels of the Post Office.

“Our club was supposed to table a few days ago, but after Ryan left no one knew who to call, so I took matters into my own hands,” the club leader said.

He then bent the hunk of red hot metal into the shape of a table and placed it in Taylor Mall and began to table, without permission. Following the removal of the metal from the heating tank, flames engulfed the Post Office and the entire building was soon set ablaze.

Boyd said the heat brought on by the explosion would be good preparation for the students who have not yet experienced a true Arizona summer.

“We want to prepare students the best way we can for the nuclear armageddon following the election of Donald Trump, or the heat of the Arizona summer, whichever comes first,” Boyd said.

Several plans that Boyd’s underlings at USGD had pitched but had yet to gain Boyd’s beached seal of approval went into effect following the announcement of his departure.

Among these plans was BOGO, which stands for Buy One Get One M1 Abrams tank free. This new plan makes ASU parking spaces available to all armored vehicles of the U.S. military.

Another fast-passed proposal comes from the School for Criminology and Criminal Justice senators. The new plan will bring criminals direct to the Downtown Phoenix campus so that the criminal justice students can get real-world job experience. The plan, costing around $6 trillion, will result in a 5347 percent increase in tuition for out-of-state students.

“What’s wonderful about this is that this is a realistic situation,” Boyd said. “Inevitably, someone will make a mistake and shoot a criminal, but that’s why we have pre-med students, and then the journalists will get to cover it.”

USGD has also failed to keep up with keeping track of the Downtown Phoenix campus’ budget. A visitor from USG in Tempe arrived to find that instead of measuring fund allocations in dollars and cents, USGD were using spoonfuls of tomato soup from Devil’s Greens.

“And what else? And what else?” one senator was heard muttering inconsolably.

As for Ryan Boyd himself, he could not turn down the full-time paid position of Rabbit Emperor of the World. As rabbit dictat, Boyd will oversee redistributing carrots and making sure that hopping lanes on Third Street are instituted.

“The rabbits are here, the rabbits are coming,” Boyd said. “You thought Bernie had a revolution? You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

ASU

Students claim voter suppression, fraud after long waits in USGD election

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Thousands of students were left angry and frustrated after waiting up to five hours in line to vote in the Undergraduate Student Government Downtown’s uncontested election Tuesday.

The line to vote wrapped around the block in an election with only one ticket running.

In an act students are calling voter suppression, USGD officials chose to change the election process from online voting on MyASU to in-person voting at one location at the Mercado Building. Thousands of students had to walk nearly seven minutes to the location.

“They don’t want us to vote,” said sophomore Ann Otherone. “They don’t want us to have that major key to democracy.”

After waiting several hours in line, some students opted to order pizza, but were told Dominos’ machine could not process their Maroon and Gold dollars. The polling location also ran out of ballots at one point.

Students complained that the long lines and inefficiency of the polling place robbed them of their right to vote.

“We have a voice and a right to elect who we want to represent us,” said junior Meg Lanton. “I want to be able to vote for the person who basically does nothing as USGD president.”

Furthering some students’ theory that the election was fixed, former USGD president and graduating senior Frank “FS3” Smith III was elected as president. Smith said he is considering extending his undergraduate education to serve as president.

“It’s ridiculous,” said freshman Damien Lee. “He doesn’t even go here.”

Smith was projected to win the election by Phoenix Diablo and other major media outlets while students were still in line to vote. Students are calling upon Maricopa County Recorder Helen Purcell to resign over the long wait times and potential voter disenfranchisement.

“Helen Purcell is inept,” said downtown Phoenix resident Peter Perspiration, who is not an ASU student and therefore ineligible to vote. “She should resign.”

Students have started a change.org petition to call for a revote.

ASU, News

Downtown residents unphased by widespread wreckage brought on by recent apocalypse

(Utah Jones/DD)
The sounds, smells and bright lights of Hell breaking through the surface of the Earth to let loose the apocalypse on downtown Phoenix failed to phase some city residents, including ASU students. (Utah Jones/PD)

While many in downtown Phoenix and across the globe were alarmed by yesterday’s apocalypse, some downtown residents were less impacted by the fall of humankind.

Joe Blow, a freshman at ASU’s Downtown Phoenix campus, said he only noticed the end of the majority of the world’s population because of a drop in posts on the anonymous message-board app “YikYak.”

“I thought it was always like this,” Blow said. “I was watching a movie and heard some yelling, so I closed my window.”

When asked about the explosions and roaming bands of cannibalistic survivors, Blow said that he “thought that was that First Friday thing.”

The marauding horde that Blow mistook for one of the major cultural components of the city he now calls home eventually settled down and made its base at an Undergraduate Student Government Downtown meeting. The horde’s attendance made the meeting the largest of the semester, though USGD still lacked a full Senate.

While some students downtown have not yet been affected by the apocalypse, a number of industries are making changes to better cater to the event’s survivors. A local business owner who has started referring to herself exclusively as “Angry Annabelle” said that her store was well-equipped to handle the changes brought about by the destruction of thousands of years of development.

“We figure it’ll be a lot like the slowdown we see in the summer months,” Annabelle said. “Just for the rest of our existence. At least we don’t have to pay to keep the place air-conditioned anymore.”

Annabelle said her store will be stocking up on locally-crafted artisan survival tools, with a small section continuing to provide cactus-laden T-shirts and coffee mugs for confused tourists who believe they’re close to the Grand Canyon.

Despite the destruction of most of the city’s cars and their drivers, damaged roads and the phenomenon of “post-apocalyptic sprawl” have continued to make things difficult for walkers and bikers.

The city of Phoenix has stated that the apocalypse will not change parking hours, although changes to standard business hours and the lack of gasoline and electricity may cause adjustments in the future.

ASU, News

Cosmo Kramer uses fictional roots to narrowly defeat Will Smith for USGD presidential title

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Fictional character Cosmo Kramer, pictured at right, narrowly defeated actor Will Smith 1137 votes to 1336 votes in a surprisingly entertaining and supposedly important USGD presidential election. (Glove Urn Mint/PD)

Fictional character Cosmo Kramer narrowly defeated actor Will Smith in a surprisingly entertaining and supposedly important Undergraduate Student Government Downtown presidential election.

Kramer won the election with 1337 votes to Smith’s 1336 in an election that came down to the wire and saw candidates promising everything from alien invasion insurance to new episodes of Seinfeld.

With the win, Kramer became the first fictional character elected to a position traditionally filled by real people.

“To rule the people, one must walk among them,” Kramer said in an acceptance speech that emphasized his fictional roots. Kramer had been considered out of the running for USGD president after Seinfeld ended in 1998, but rallied over the past three weeks to take the win.

Kramer’s campaign promised hourly jokes delivered via MyASU and new episodes of Seinfeld to be streamed every week in place of student government meetings.

Neither candidate knew that he was nominated for the position until notified by student government election staff after spring break, but sprang into action despite the unexpected nature of the campaign.

Former USGD President Frank Smith III said that he felt the elections committee made a mistake, but that an oddly worded elections code prevented him from challenging the ruling.

Walter Cronkite School student Videog Proj said that she voted for Kramer because she liked Seinfeld and wanted to see more.

“I just wanted more Seinfeld,” she said. “My friend, Threeo Onekid, said he didn’t vote because he didn’t want to take a stance on 1990s comedies that could reflect on his work in the future.”

Will Smith said that by electing a fictional character, ASU’s Downtown Phoenix campus had doomed itself to destruction by aliens that would harvest resources and organs from the city.

“Humanity is going to be destroyed,” Smith said. “Only the president can authorize a suicide mission to hack into the alien command ship, and this president seems more concerned with jokes than survival.”

Kramer denied that the aliens were planning to destroy the planet and said they would only be involved with human organ harvesting and approving student organization funds.

“I’ve spoken with our new senators, and they are more than willing to work with alien faculty and staff on both the Budget Allocations and newly formed Mothership Operations committees,” Kramer said.

Smith ran on a platform that included lowering tuition by flying a plane into the offices of the Board of Regents and hacking their computers, opportunities to test for internships at local financial institutions and free companion dogs to help students prepare for the apocalypse.

Smith campaign manager M. Night Shyamalan said that the loss was planned from the beginning. Shyamalan’s campaigns have received fewer and fewer votes every year.

Smith’s running mate and son, Jaden Smith, said that there were still questions to be asked about how a Kramer presidency will function.

“How can our votes be real if the candidate isn’t real?” he asked.

After the vote totals were announced, Russian President Vladmir Putin called Kramer to congratulate him on the win. Putin expressed hopes that under new leadership, the campus would be more open to the possibility of invasion or coup. Kramer declined to say whether he would participate with Putin in the traditional, post-election, shirtless horseback-riding ceremony.

Other candidates that accrued votes included deceased economist Adam Smith, Dutch speed skater Yep Kramer and two-term USGD President and former ASU student Joseph Grossman.

Grossman said that even though he lost, he will return next year on a platform based on his connections in the Arizona Alien Affairs lobby.

Even with this election’s astronomical stakes, the broader downtown Phoenix community really didn’t care.

“It really doesn’t matter,” downtown advocate Peter Perspiration said. “It doesn’t matter who was elected. Nothing will change unless students get involved with the community.”