Fictional character Cosmo Kramer narrowly defeated actor Will Smith in a surprisingly entertaining and supposedly important Undergraduate Student Government Downtown presidential election.
Kramer won the election with 1337 votes to Smith’s 1336 in an election that came down to the wire and saw candidates promising everything from alien invasion insurance to new episodes of Seinfeld.
With the win, Kramer became the first fictional character elected to a position traditionally filled by real people.
“To rule the people, one must walk among them,” Kramer said in an acceptance speech that emphasized his fictional roots. Kramer had been considered out of the running for USGD president after Seinfeld ended in 1998, but rallied over the past three weeks to take the win.
Kramer’s campaign promised hourly jokes delivered via MyASU and new episodes of Seinfeld to be streamed every week in place of student government meetings.
Neither candidate knew that he was nominated for the position until notified by student government election staff after spring break, but sprang into action despite the unexpected nature of the campaign.
Former USGD President Frank Smith III said that he felt the elections committee made a mistake, but that an oddly worded elections code prevented him from challenging the ruling.
Walter Cronkite School student Videog Proj said that she voted for Kramer because she liked Seinfeld and wanted to see more.
“I just wanted more Seinfeld,” she said. “My friend, Threeo Onekid, said he didn’t vote because he didn’t want to take a stance on 1990s comedies that could reflect on his work in the future.”
Will Smith said that by electing a fictional character, ASU’s Downtown Phoenix campus had doomed itself to destruction by aliens that would harvest resources and organs from the city.
“Humanity is going to be destroyed,” Smith said. “Only the president can authorize a suicide mission to hack into the alien command ship, and this president seems more concerned with jokes than survival.”
Kramer denied that the aliens were planning to destroy the planet and said they would only be involved with human organ harvesting and approving student organization funds.
“I’ve spoken with our new senators, and they are more than willing to work with alien faculty and staff on both the Budget Allocations and newly formed Mothership Operations committees,” Kramer said.
Smith ran on a platform that included lowering tuition by flying a plane into the offices of the Board of Regents and hacking their computers, opportunities to test for internships at local financial institutions and free companion dogs to help students prepare for the apocalypse.
Smith campaign manager M. Night Shyamalan said that the loss was planned from the beginning. Shyamalan’s campaigns have received fewer and fewer votes every year.
Smith’s running mate and son, Jaden Smith, said that there were still questions to be asked about how a Kramer presidency will function.
“How can our votes be real if the candidate isn’t real?” he asked.
After the vote totals were announced, Russian President Vladmir Putin called Kramer to congratulate him on the win. Putin expressed hopes that under new leadership, the campus would be more open to the possibility of invasion or coup. Kramer declined to say whether he would participate with Putin in the traditional, post-election, shirtless horseback-riding ceremony.
Other candidates that accrued votes included deceased economist Adam Smith, Dutch speed skater Yep Kramer and two-term USGD President and former ASU student Joseph Grossman.
Grossman said that even though he lost, he will return next year on a platform based on his connections in the Arizona Alien Affairs lobby.
Even with this election’s astronomical stakes, the broader downtown Phoenix community really didn’t care.
“It really doesn’t matter,” downtown advocate Peter Perspiration said. “It doesn’t matter who was elected. Nothing will change unless students get involved with the community.”
I want to voice my appreciation for your generosity giving support to individuals who must have guidance on the idea. Your personal commitment to getting the message throughout appeared to be pretty insightful and have continuously enabled girls like me to achieve their targets. Your personal useful publication signifies a great deal a person like me and far more to my peers. Thanks a lot; from everyone of us.
We’re a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your web site provided us with valuable information to work on. You’ve done a formidable job and our whole community will be grateful to you.
Hello, Neat post. There’s a problem with your web site in internet explorer, may test this?K IE nonetheless is the market leader and a large part of other people will pass over your magnificent writing due to this problem.
I like this web site because so much useful material on here :D.
wonderful publish, very informative. I ponder why the opposite experts of this sector don’t realize this. You must proceed your writing. I am confident, you have a great readers’ base already!
Thanks for this post, I am a big big fan of this site would like to continue updated.
Hey there just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The text in your article seem to be running off the screen in Safari. I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with internet browser compatibility but I figured I’d post to let you know. The style and design look great though! Hope you get the issue solved soon. Thanks
I truly enjoy examining on this web site, it holds great blog posts. “Never fight an inanimate object.” by P. J. O’Rourke.
Great website. A lot of useful info here. I am sending it to several friends ans also sharing in delicious. And of course, thanks for your effort!
Its like you read my mind! You appear to know so much about this, like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you could do with some pics to drive the message home a little bit, but instead of that, this is magnificent blog. An excellent read. I’ll definitely be back.
It’s actually a great and helpful piece of info. I’m glad that you simply shared this helpful info with us. Please stay us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.
This is the right blog for anyone who wants to find out about this topic. You realize so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually would want…HaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just great!
It is best to participate in a contest for top-of-the-line blogs on the web. I will suggest this website!
I likewise believe therefore, perfectly indited post! .
An attention-grabbing discussion is price comment. I think that it’s best to write extra on this matter, it won’t be a taboo topic but usually people are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers
Perfectly written written content, thanks for entropy.
Hey There. I found your blog using msn. That is a really smartly written article. I will make sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful information. Thanks for the post. I’ll definitely comeback.
Hello! I know this is somewhat off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this site? I’m getting fed up of WordPress because I’ve had problems with hackers and I’m looking at alternatives for another platform. I would be fantastic if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.
I am always looking online for posts that can benefit me. Thanks!
This is the suitable weblog for anybody who desires to seek out out about this topic. You understand a lot its almost arduous to argue with you (not that I actually would need…HaHa). You positively put a new spin on a subject thats been written about for years. Nice stuff, just great!
I cling on to listening to the newscast talk about getting free online grant applications so I have been looking around for the top site to get one. Could you advise me please, where could i acquire some?
This site is mostly a stroll-through for all the information you needed about this and didn’t know who to ask. Glimpse here, and also you’ll undoubtedly uncover it.
Thank you for another informative blog. Where else could I get that type of information written in such an ideal way? I’ve a project that I am just now working on, and I’ve been on the look out for such info.
Thank you for the sensible critique. Me and my neighbor were just preparing to do a little research on this. We got a grab a book from our area library but I think I learned more clear from this post. I am very glad to see such wonderful info being shared freely out there.